Five Things We Learned From NFL Week 1

Scab refs, rookie QBs, and Tim Tebow – it was an exciting first week of football!

1 – The New Refs Aren’t as Bad as Japanese Internment

A few blown calls here, a few blown calls there…but the scab referees’ performance wasn’t as awful as everyone feared. And for retired insurance adjusters, strip club DJs, and Chuck E. Cheese’s ball-pit cleaners they did a pretty amazing job of overseeing what is probably the most complicated professional sport in the world.

2 – Robert Griffin III is For, Like, Serious

If you’re a first-round pick, a quarterback, and have a name like an English Duke, there are certain expectations. And Robert Griffin III lived up to all of them week one against New Orleans Saints. The Redskins QB passed for 320 yards, threw two TDs with no interceptions and— just for fun—ran another 42 yards. So far, his American invasion is going way better than King George III’s.

3 – Peyton Manning’s Taiwanese Robo Neck Is Working at 97% Efficiency 

We have to give credit to the back-alley, South East Asian dentist that installed stolen child organs in Peyton Manning’s neck. After four quarters, Denver’s new QB had a rating 129.2 and didn’t leak a drop of motor oil in the Broncos victory against the Steelers.

4 – Tim Tebow’s Christ-Like Presence Willed the Jets to Victory Even Though He Personally Sucked

The NY Jets scored 48 points, and Mark Sanchez didn’t throw three interceptions while eating a hot dog? You know there was some magic in the air. Jesus Magic. And while Tebow averaged 2.2 yards a carry, didn’t throw the ball once, and mainly served as an awesome way to totally destroy any momentum in a Jets drive, we like to think it was his halo of holy virginity that powered the Jets to victory.

5 – Great Defense Still Beats Great Offense, Especially When That Offense Drops a Lot of Passes and Is Terrible

People are giving credit to San Francisco QB Alex Smith for outdueling the Packers’ Aaron Rodgers. Of course, Rodgers was playing against possibly the best defense in the NFL. And his receivers, continuing in their proud NYC playoff tradition, appeared to have coated their hands with a mix of K-Y Jelly and Crisco. Alex Smith was passing against a Packers secondary that looked like a New Jersey outlet mall from 1997—full of Gaps. So excuse us if we don’t anoint Small Hands the next Dan Marino just yet.