Five Things We Learned From NFL Week 2

The Cardinals are 9-2, God hates your fantasy teams, and the Jets still suck – this is your NFL week 2.

Greg M. Cooper / US Presswire | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

1 – Kevin Kolb Has a Really Small Face

Just look at it! The Arizona Cardinals’ “quarterback” managed to defeat the heavily favored Patriots in Foxborough by throwing for an anemic 142 yards while looking like a frightened lemur in the pocket. But he’s still a small-faced dingus who refuses to pass to Larry Fitzgerald (one reception for four yards), the Cardinals’ one reason for existing as a franchise. And very quietly (mostly because they’re in Arizona, where you can only hear the cries of old people and the soon-to-be deported), the Cardinals are 9-2 going back to week 9 of last season…

2 – The Football Gods Laugh at Your Draft Picks

Speaking of the Cardinals, they managed to destroy one of your first probable fantasy picks, TD machine and tight end Aaron Hernandez. Your other first round picks, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, and Tom Brady combined for 43 fantasy points (in a traditional scoring league) this week. Meanwhile, your third highest scoring fantasy football player this year? Reggie Bush. We won’t even mention the millions of you who probably ate it in suicide leagues by picking the Patriots or the Saints… OK, we will—you guys are so totally mad right now.

3 – Greg Schiano is a Dingleberry

The final play of the New York Giants, Tampa Bay game ended in an Eli Manning kneel-down, a totally standard play in the NFL where the winning team runs out the clock to prevent injuries and help the opposing team preserve its dignity. Instead of accepting the loss, Greg Schiano’s Buccaneers rushed the QB on the final play hoping to jar loose a fumble. Nobody ever does this in the NFL. And this is what the former Rutgers coach said about it: “We crowd the ball – it’s like a sneak defense and you try to knock it loose. Watch Rutgers, they would know if they watched us that’s what we did at the end of the game.” Watch Rutgers? Yeah, okay. While we’re at it, why doesn’t the Harvard physics department take some pointers from DeVry’s fully accredited ceiling fan repair college? Just because you did it at a 17th rate college program, doesn’t mean you should do it in the NFL, where multi-million dollar careers can and are ruined on the kind of surprise hits plays like that guarantee.

4 – The Jets are Still Terrible

Look, you can probably just look forward to us “knowing this” for the next 15 weeks.

5 – Maybe the Scab Refs Aren’t as Bad as Japanese Internment, But They Might be as Bad as The Trail of Tears

Okay, so perhaps we jumped the gun a little bit on the replacement refs not being totally terrible. This week, one of the crew working the Seahawks, Cardinals game was revealed to have worked for the Seattle franchise previously. That’s bad. But we’re afraid the league won’t come to a deal until the refs lose control of a game and people start getting hurt (those people mostly being Vegas bookies who don’t like their lines getting screwed with every week).

Want to see what we learnt from Week 1? Click here!

Or would you rather just look at some NFL cheerleaders? Here you go, then.