Five Things We Learned From NFL Week 3

Everybody sucks, icing the kicker is dumb, and more cheery observations!

1 – Calling Timeouts Before Field Goal Attempts Is Dumb.

The Miami Dolphins blew it by calling a timeout just before their defense blocked a Jets’ field goal in OT. Statistically, “Icing the Kicker” doesn’t work. If some bozo sitting in the stadium was asked to come on the field and kick a game winning kick in OT? Sure, calling a timeout right before he tears every groin muscle known to science would probably make him nervous. But professional kickers kick footballs. All day. Every day. For their job. All calling a timeout does is give them more time to get settled and test the barometric pressure and atmospheric wind velocities before their kick. A coach’s best case scenario is the interrupted field is good and his defense gets another crack at blocking it or the kicker gets another chance to miss. Worst case scenario? What happened to the Dolphins (also, playing for the dolphins).

2 – Holy Crap The Saints Are 0-3.

And the only undefeated teams are the Cardinals, Falcons and Texans. The Patriots are sharing last place with the Miami Dolphins and the previously unstoppable 49ers just lost to the woeful Vikings. It’s still early in the season, but to say these standings are wacky is like saying pregame shows cause grundle cancer – duh.

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3 – Someone Should Have An Intervention For Michael Vick.

In the battle of the birds, the Arizona Cardinals sacked Michael Vick five times and got 13 more QB hits. The Eagles’ QB is listed at 6’0”, 215 lbs. The people hitting him are much, much larger for the most part. He’s started one full season his entire career and that was before he was 32 years old with the body of a 78-year-old Korean War veteran. All we’re saying is, backup QB (and rookie) Nick Foles better have his game-time jockstrap heated and ready.

4 – The NFL Referees Are Going To Lose The Strike.

We’re not sure which has more sucking, the NFL scab referees or Tim Tebow’s sex life. But even if stuff like this keeps happening (for those of you browsing on a graphing calculator, that’s a .gif of a ref throwing his hat in the end zone and a receiver tripping on it) and even if extra timeouts keep getting handed out like Halloween candy, the refs are destined to lose. Why? For a third week in a row, ratings for the NFL aren’t down – we keep watching to see whether the refs are great or terrible. The only way the refs win? If the players start making noise about not getting on the field until their safety can be guaranteed. And they may have a legitimate gripe when huge illegal hits aren’t getting flagged

5 – Tony Dungee’s Creepy Stare Makes Us More Uncomfortable Than That Time We Spent Valentine’s Day In A Chuck E. Cheese’s. Alone. In Sweatpants.

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Want to see what we learned from NFL Week 2? Click here!

Or would you rather just look at some NFL cheerleaders? Here you go, then.