Five Things You’re Going to Hear About The Super Bowl

Here are the storylines the media will not shut up about for the next two weeks.

Here are the storylines the media will not shut up about for the next two weeks.

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty

1. Ray Lewis’ First Sack Was Against Jim Harbaugh


Amazing! And did you know they even played together? You didn’t?! Well prepare to be assaulted with that information every minute of every day for the next two weeks! And ask yourself why we can’t get more stories about this psychic, football-predicting camel.

2. DID YOU KNOW THE HARBAUGHS HAVE THE SAME PARENTS!?


Here’s a gallery of them as kids! And who will their parents root for!? They’re like those other brothers who also are known to play the football! This is going to drive you slowly insane.

3. Torrey Smith’s Brother Died


Yes, it’s going to be a brother-heavy Super Bowl. Really, how can the press not talk about brother coaches and a player with a dead brother and possibly someone whose brother has cancer? Speaking of which…

4. Some Player Must Have a Relative Somewhere With Cancer


Right now, flocks of TV producers are scouring oncology inpatient records and cross-referencing names against the Ravens and 49ers rosters. It’s not a Super Bowl unless someone has cancer.

5. Tim. Tebow.


Somehow, someway, they will find a way to talk about Tim Tebow.

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