The “Game of Thrones” Death and Sex Counter: Episode 501, “The Wars To Come”

Every week, we’ll be recapping who had sex and who died on the last episode of “Game of Thrones.” Spoiler alert: This article consists entirely of spoilers.

Game of Thrones” is reliable for two activities: vigorous boning and equally intense dying. So we’ll be recapping Season 5 a little differently on the good ship Each Monday morning, we’ll bring you a summary of who died and how they died (remember: all men must die), as well as all the nasty details about who got their freak on. We’ll also be keeping a tally of the number of death and sex scenes throughout, for a final count at the end of the season.

Let’s begin with last night’s episode, “The Wars To Come.”

Deaths: 2

1. An Unsullied warrior is seen sneaking down an alleyway to a brothel in Mereen. Why would an Unsullied go to a brothel, when his junk was violently removed and tossed into a fire? It’s more heartbreaking than you’d think: He just wants to gently spoon with a prostitute while she comforts and sings to him.

Just as he’s relaxing, his throat in slit by one of the Sons of the Harpy, loyalists to the old regime in Mereen. When Daenerys finds out, though, she demands a public funeral. Harpy heads are gonna roll.

2. George R.R. Martin did warn us that characters would die in the television show who didn’t meet the same fate in the books, and he delivered his promise right in the first episode.

When Mance Rayder refuses to swear his allegiance to Stannis Baratheon, Melisandre decides it’s time for him to burn. But as he’s writhing and screaming in agony front of his Wildling army, Jon Snow shoots an arrow from afar, immediately putting him out of his misery.

Sex: 0

Sadly, we only caught a few scenes of naked post-coital lounging. Hopefully everyone gets their mojo back next week. (Perhaps they can take a page out of their own book?

Photos by Helen Sloan/courtesy of HBO