We didn't get any screen time of Dany and her dragons, but we had the rest of the folks' trials and tribulations to keep us going in this episode of "As Westeros Turns."
1. Jaqen H'ghar, the most faceless of faceless men, gives a visitor a tiny bowl of an unknown substance to drink while they exchange the ol’ Valar dohaeris/valar morghulis greeting. When it’s over, Arya comes over to complain that all she’s done so far during Spring Break Braavos has been sweeping, sweeping, and more sweeping. Later in the episode, after some heavy hinting from H'ghar, she gets rid of all of her possessions (save for Needle, which she squirrels away under some rocks) to continue her journey to peak facelessness. Her guru leads her down to the House of Black and White’s basement—a finished basement, no less—which doubles as a morgue. Lying there is the body of the man who drank from H’ghar’s tiny bowl of death potion. Arya Stark finally gets the chance to do something besides sweeping, but is prepping a dead body much better?
2. Jon Snow was exercising his rights as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch a.k.a. the bossiest boss man, when one of his guys got a little rowdy and told him they wouldn’t listen to no bastard. (Or more accurately: “You can stick your order up your bastard ass.”) He promptly had the dissenter dragged outside, asked for last words, and after the man sniveled and begged for mercy, chopped his head off. Ned Stark’s (bastard) son ain’t nuthin’ ta fuck with. (Total Deaths This Season: 9)
1. After Queen Margaery and the boy King Tommen tie the knot, the camera comes in on Marg just finishing up swiping Tommen’s V card. We didn't strictly see it, but considering how limp this season's been, we'll take what we can get. Later we hear her giggling to her maids about his insatiable appetite. Pretty gross when you consider he’s a kid—but, then again, Marg is likely just saying these things within earshot to make Cersei jealous. We also get some time with the High Septon and Tyrion Lannister in separate brothels (in the latter, one prostitute pioneers the assless dress, a style we’re all for) but alas, both are...how do we put this...cockblocked. (Total Sex Acts This Season: 1)
Photos by Helen Sloan/courtesy of HBO