At the close of Wednesday's marathon circus show of a debate, the 11 GOP presidential hopefuls were asked what they would choose for a Secret Service code name if they were elected into office.
Some of the candidates offered explanations for their choices, while others left us no choice but to speculate about the logic behind their selections.
Ted Cruz: “Cohiba”
Cohiba is a popular brand of Cuban cigars. Ted Cruz is Cuban. He said his wife’s code name would be “Angel” because she’s his angel. No one said anything about his wife getting her own code name.
Chris Christie: "True Heart"
Maybe Christie was trying to convey the authentic sentiment behind his aspiration to lead the free world. OR maybe he's got a thing for Care Bears, those earnest plush heroes of the eighties. As Bustle pointed out, True Heart was an essential, pink member of the Care Bear tribe.
Mark Rubio: “Gator”
Gator is the mascot of the University of Florida, of which Rubio is a VERY proud alumnus. Last week, Rubio jabbed his alma mater’s rival in a radio interview: “Look, I don’t have anything against Florida state. I think there has to be a school where people who can’t get into Florida can go to college.” FLORIDA MAN COMMITS SICK BURN.
Donald Trump: “Humble”
Mike Huckabee: “Duck Hunter”
Huckabee’s choice was a reference to his well-established pastime of murdering winged, innocent creatures in the sky with a weapon that is responsible for 836,290 deaths in the United States since 1989 — that’s more than the total of U.S. military killed in wars since 1776.
Ben Carson: “One Nation" Because the retired neurosurgeon believes he can unite a divided country together if elected President. Also because he is the most boring person in the world. (But probably the smartest GOP candidate.)
Jeb Bush: “Eveready”
I guess he was referring to the battery brand, because he turned to the debate’s honorary moderator Donald Trump and said: "Eveready, it's very high energy, Donald." Then they low-fived, and Jeb Bush looked as excited (and pathetic) as the JV water boy who got a drive-by backslap from the captain of the football team in the locker room.
Scott Walker: "Harley"
We get it! Scott really, really digs his Harley Davidson. But please, stop trying to make Scott “Ride It Like You Stole It” Walker happen. It’s never going to happen.
John Kasich: “Unit One”
Hmm...the name of the Secret Op team he invented for a third grade creative writing assignment? His penis? The Danish crime drama that aired from 2000-2004? He and his wife’s safe word? Or not, as he offered: "my wife says, 'You'll never be Unit 1. You're Unit 2.'" Nobody knows what the hell you’re talking about, Kasich. Go home.
Carly Fiorina: “Secretariat”
Perhaps the only code name that actually makes some sense and has a modicum of sophistication. Fiorina is referring to the thoroughbred who in 1973 defied the odds to become the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years. Important: Secretariat’s owner was a woman, Penny Chenery Tweedy.
Rand Paul: “Justice Never Sleeps”
I think this was actually a warning that if Paul is forced to suspend his campaign he’ll become a vigilante defending the rights of disenfranchised libertarians under the cover of night. First mission: Bernie Madoff Prison Break.
Photos by FREDERIC J BROWN/AFP/Getty Images