Gwyneth Paltrow is no stranger to endorsing strange things that have to do with lady bits. Herbal vaginal steaming, $200 “Sex Dust” smoothies and something called "sex bark" have all been talked up in her buzzy weekly lifestyle newsletter, GOOP.
So we knew Paltrow would have something interesting to say in her newsletter's first sex issue released this week. And lo and behold, it was full of strange sex tips and ridiculously expensive sex toys. Surprise!
In a headline from the issue titled “Not-So-Basic Sex Toys,” Paltrow writes, “Sex toys have long since graduated from the floppy rubber things you hide in your bedside table to beautiful works of interactive art,” meaning she looks down upon the normal sex toys us commoners use, and can’t even go near anything but a $15,000 24-karat gold dildo, and wants us to do the same. Why? Because she’s Gwyneth fucking Paltrow.
The newsletter also warns against using the ‘toxic’ lubes we find at the drugstore, and advocates using lubricants that are edible. So yes, Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to slather your junk in coconut, olive, or almond oil, or in a “natural lubricating gel” that has hibiscus, green tea extracts, and aloe vera. Do you feel fancy and rich yet?
She also wants you to stay away from condoms unless they’re “vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, nonxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free.” But if your local Walmart doesn’t carry those, STDs and babies are fine, because they “far outweigh” the toxins and chemicals in normal condoms. Wise!
Read the newsletter for even more Gwyneth Paltrow-approved sex tips and sex toys. You've been warned.