Howard Stern is a stay-at-home kind of guy. He does his satellite radio show and that's just about it. But he got out of the house—and pointed that out—to give a speech for Bon Jovi's induction into the 2018 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Jon Bon Jovi must be a gambler, because he wanted Stern for the gig, reports Rolling Stone. What he got was honesty: "Look, this is an honor long overdue," and comedy: "We're going to be inducting Richie [Sambora] in the penis hall of fame next week."
Guesting on Stern's show, Bon Jovi said his and Stern's careers "have paralleled in a lot of ways – whether it was the ups or the downs – we've come through everything together and we do this at this point because we love the people we work with."
"And the truth is," Bon Jovi continued, "nobody knows not only me but the members of the band as well as Howard."
Stern said he was "honored" and "thrilled." He proved it.
The radio legend started off with a literal bang. "In 1987, I was on a date with Richie Sambora. We met the hottest chick and had a threesome. That's how close we get."
Next, Stern put RS founder Jann Wenner through the wringer:
Now, on the other side of the zombie apocalypse, Jann Wenner finally let Bon Jovi into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Way to go Jan, Jonny, John, Jann, whatever the fuck your name is. Anyway, Jann, you did it. You finally gave this fantastic band their due.
Now, for those of you who don't know, Jann is the man in charge, but I'm not sure why. This guy doesn't play a musical instrument, he doesn't have a band, but he did start a great magazine, Rolling Stone. Yeah. And now it's the size of a pamphlet, what a business plan, way to go. I read it in about 30 seconds backstage. Now, Jann required years of pondering to decide if this glorious band that sold over 130 million albums could be inducted. What a tough decision!
You can't disagree with that. Stern made sure the audience understood that Bon Jovi's sales numbers are mind-boggling.
Let me give you an idea of what the number 130 million means, and it means a lot. Now, the bubonic plague only killed 50 million people. The atom bomb only killed 225,000 people. Six-hundred-and-twenty-five–thousand people died in the Civil War. Peanuts compared to 130 million. Anybody wanna hear about the AIDS epidemic or ...?
But you see, even with all this talk of death and destruction, I'm making a point, and my point is that 130 million is ridiculously big. Try to look at it this way: the average amount of sperm in one ejaculation is only 100 million. Bon Jovi beat sperm, ladies and gentlemen!
Now, speaking of sperm, the band Creed sold 35 million records, Blondie sold 40 million records, and these guys got into the Hall of Fame, and they didn't have to wait. Jann knew what to do. Let me tell you something. Leonard Cohen used to sit at home beating off at night thinking about selling 3 million albums, let alone 130 million.
Stern went on to describe Bon Jovi as "the man who singlehandedly destroyed most of the ozone layer in the Eighties with Aqua Net hairspray."
He also gleefully described Richie Sambora as "One of the greatest guitar players in the world; masterful songwriter. And, you know this is true, the man with the biggest penis in Bon Jovi."
Of course he said that. He's Howard Stern.
Stern pointed out a basic truth of life on Earth: "I don't think you can go anywhere in this world without hearing a classic Bon Jovi tune somewhere."
Let's hope it stays that way. Read the entire speech here.