In Honor of Movember, 5 Horrifying Movie Mustaches

This November, grow some facial hair for prostate cancer! Or something like that.

In what is now a bona fide annual tradition, this November millions of men will take a break from their daily grooming rituals and grow mustaches. No, not just because they’re lazy slobs, but also to support the Movember charity to fight men’s health issues like prostate cancer. Grow yours today! Just try to steer clear of anything that looks like these…

Salma Hayek in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Photo Courtesy of Universal Studios

Oh man, do we love Salma Hayek. She’s beautiful, exotic, talented, sexy, and…wait. What is that? Is…is that a beard? Like, on her face? Dear God, why is this happening? While this development is highly disturbing, to be fair, it wasn’t Salma Hayek’s bearded lady routine that ruined Cirque du Freak for us; it was Cirque du Freak that ruined Cirque du Freak for us.

Kurt Russell in Tombstone

Photo: Buena Vista Pictures / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

You guys, remember Kurt Russell? He was big in the ’80s and ’90s, thanks to such films as The Thing, Stargate, and Escape From New York. He is also Kate Hudson‘s stepfather, so great work on that, too. But those accomplishments all pale in comparison to his ability to grow hair on his upper lip, as demonstrated by his ‘stache in Tombstone. Look at those locks! Thick, flowing, and shapely enough to give Wilford Brimley a run for his money. Honestly, do you think he took a blow-dryer to that thing? What’s that? You don’t think about it? Fair enough.

Sam Elliott in The Big Lebowski

Photo: Gramercy Pictures / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Sam Elliott has rocked his signature ‘stache in virtually every role he’s had, but we’re partial to the version he donned in The Big Leboswki. Even if we’d never seen his face on screen as The Narrator, we would have known that whoever was speaking, he definitely had a serious mustache. And while Sam may take comfort in knowing that the Dude abides, we take comfort in knowing that no matter how weird our patchy facial hair may get this Movember, it will never smell as weird as Sam Elliott’s moist face-poodle must after all these years.

Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York

Photo: Miramax / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

It’s not as synonymous with his persona as Sam Elliott’s, but you might say that mustaches – or facial hair in general – are kind of Daniel Day Lewis’ thing. From this old-timey handlebar joint he wore in Gangs of New York to the slightly more tame version from There Will Be Blood to the chin pubes from Lincoln, dude knows how to grow hair on his face. In fact, legend has it that every time DDL sprouts a hair, an Oscar statue gets its wings.

Jon Voight in Heat

Photo: Warner Bros. / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

It’s not just the mustache, but the mustache-mullet combo that makes this one such a winner. (And note that we’re using the term “winner” loosely, to mean something more akin to “looks like a huge pedophile.”) But while we usually make a point not to take anyone with a mullet seriously (because they clearly do not take themselves seriously), honestly, we would do anything Jon Voight tells us to do, because holy hell is he scary.