How to Pretend You’ve Seen All 9 Oscar Nominees for Best Picture
A few one-liners to make you seem like a real movie buff’s buff.
So you want to be a hit at this Sunday’s Oscar party, but you haven’t seen all the movies? No? That’s not the case? Well I’m sorry, but this article isn’t just for you, please give other people a chance. Has he left? OK. Anyway, here is a cheat sheet to help the rest of you through this weekend’s accolades.
12 Years a Slave
Depending on your race:
“Dude, I’m sorry.”
Show that it made you sad:
“That whole time I was like, ‘Where the hell is Django?!’”
Things not to say:
“Imagine if that really happened!”
Dallas Buyers Club
Make a terrible joke:
“When Matthew McConaughey found out he had AIDS, I was like ‘alright alright all-wrong!’.”
What it taught you:
“This movie really raised my awareness of Jared Leto’s acting career.”
On Matthew McConaughey’s weight loss:
“It goes to show you, nothing tastes as good as Oscar feels.”
Gravity
Just say:
“Space is scary.”
If they mention specifics:
“I think that happened when I left to throw up.”
Say something stupid to get rid of ‘em:
“I can’t believe they really shot that in space.”
The Wolf of Wall Street
It changed your perspective on the issues:
“Honestly, Jonah Hill’s dick isn’t something I’ve ever really thought about until this movie.”
Comment on the amazing direction:
“The scene where Leo blows coke out of that hooker’s ass had very tasteful lighting.”
Last resort:
Just start banging on your chest and hum. Don’t ask, just do it.
Captain Phillips
You would have done better:
“I would have at least tried throwing my shoes at the pirates.”
Change the subject altogether:
“I hear Tom Hanks’ son is a terrible rapper, thoughts?”
Talk about the business end:
“Between this and Zero Dark Thirty, I’ll watch any movie where the Navy Seals completely wreck somebody.”
Philomena
Literally say anything, chances are the person you’re speaking to is also faking.
Examples:
“Everyone says they were shocked when the aliens showed up, but personally I was more surprised that they were bisexual.”
“Despite the controversy, I thought the fart sequence was tasteful.”
“It’s official, Dustin Diamond is back!”
Nebraska
Sum it up:
“It was just as exciting as the title suggests.”
Say something artsy nobody will argue with:
“I like to think of Nebraska itself as a character in the movie.”
Bring up something you noticed while also giving them the satisfaction of correcting you:
“The son was played by Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live.”
Her
Compliment the style:
“Joaquin Phoenix looked like a future pedophile, and I liked that.”
It changed your view on relationships:
“I broke up with my girlfriend because she couldn’t monitor my emails.”
What happened after you saw it:
“I don’t want to get into it, but my penis is broken and I need an new iPad.”
American Hustle
Comment on Christian Bale’s weight:
“It looked like if Batman’s parents died because he ate them.”
Talk about the style:
“It’s like a horror movie, but for hair stylists.”
Describe your journey:
“I went in for Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs, but surprisingly, I stayed for Amy Adams’.”
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