How to Talk to Your Parents About Captain & Tennille’s Divorce

This won’t be easy for Mom and Dad, so please follow these five simple steps.

Patrick Carone

Jan 23, 2014

Today is a difficult day for members of all generations. Millennials are reeling from Justin Bieber’s drunken driving arrest. Sullen Gen-Xers still can’t comprehend how Inside Llewyn Davis was snubbed by the Academy. And, perhaps most sadly, Baby Boomers are beside themselves at the news that ’70s soft-rock husband-and-wife duo Captain & Tennille are divorcing after 39 years of marriage. But not to worry; we’re here with a fool-proof plan to keep your parents from shedding too many tears into their Activia. Listen up.

Step One: Familiarize yourself with Captain & Tennille.

We recommend studying their Wikipedia pageand then watching the video for their biggest hit, the now ironically titled “Love Will Keep Us Together.”

Step Two: Call your parents.

They’re home right now, right? Maybe watching The Price is Right while complaining about Obamacare?

Step Three: Tell them some good news first.

Got a new job? A new girlfriend? Did you make it to the bodega to pick up your morning six-pack without slipping in the snow? They’d love to hear all about it!

Step Four: Drop the bomb on them.

Go slowly. Tell them that things don’t always work out the way we want, and that, sometimes, even the love between a woman with a bad hairdo and a man who has been wearing a captain’s hat for the last four decades doesn’t last.

Step Five: Let the healing begin.

Tell them you’re going to visit them this weekend.*

*You don’t actually have to do this.