You don’t make it to an 8th season on TV without eating some gross shit. Andy Griffith told us that.*
*In fairness to the rest of the gang, the bulk of the gross foods on It’s Always Sunny were ingested by Charlie.
Photo: Patrick McElhenney / FX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
When there’s a gaggle (a pack? a murder?) of cats in heat outside your house on a nightly basis, catching some shut-eye may require extreme measures. In this case, chugging beer, huffing glue, and eating cat food seems to do the trick.
We’re still not sure exactly what this is, but if you’re on a blind date, the only way to recover your dignity after sweating through your shirt and telling the girl you’re a “full-on rapist” who works with elderly ladies and retarded kids is apparently by ordering the finest milk steak on the menu, preferably boiled-over hard. Extra points for ordering a side of Jelly Beans, raw. (Is there any other way?)
The Whole Pear
Chances are you know what a pear is, and have possibly even eaten one. Tastes like sand, right? No? Well it did for Charlie—though that was probably because he ate the seeds, core, stem, and sticker, too. “I eat stickers all the time!” said Charlie, and no one else, ever.
A White Board Eraser
Anyone out there struggling to find a job as a school janitor, here’s a tip. Threaten to eat an eraser during your interview with the school’s principal. It also helps if, like Charlie, you’re actually eager to eat the thing. Truth be told, he didn’t actually eat it in the show—the principal “needed” it—but we’re confident that Charlie got one for a doggy bag.
For most people, cheese isn’t a disgusting thing to eat. It makes burgers better, and without it the French economy would’ve failed centuries ago. Unlike normal cheese-lovers, however, Charlie forgoes cheese plates in favor of heading straight to the source. No, not cows. The OTHER source: Rat traps. Take that, dairy farmers of America.
When a buddy is lonely, a good friend goes the distance to help them out. Setting him up with a girl, giving him some of the boiled denim you found under a bridge, pretending to be a rich Texas oil man and then projectile vomiting blood capsules on her for a straight 90 seconds. And so on. If that’s not considered true friendship, we don’t know what is.
Controversy over senate hearings and homerun records notwithstanding, steroids aren’t technically a disgusting thing to ingest. It’s not like you’ll ever see an episode of Fear Factor where a squeamish girl is forced to lay in a tub of ‘roids. However, if that same girl decided to eat the contents of said tub, as Sweet Dee did, the result would definitely be disgusting.
If you learn nothing else from Always Sunny, remember this one golden rule: DO NOT EAT FRANK’S MEAT. Sure, you run the risk of the one and only Trollfoot holding a grudge against you forever, but at least you won’t develop an insatiable taste for human flesh. (Ultimately we learned that the bait Frank used was actually raccoon meat—disgusting in its own right—and the insatiable hunger was the result of a tape worm, but does that really even matter?)
If you say something under oath, during a deposition, it’s considered to be legally true. So when Mac and Charlie testified against Mac’s scary-as-hell Dad that, “...he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was...full of butt," we have no choice but to go ahead and take it at face value. Yup, they eat butt on Always Sunny. Fact.
The game of games, Chardee MacDennis, isn’t just a game, it’s a war. And with war, there comes pain. And jail time. So being forced to sit in a cage and eat a whole cake isn’t totally unexpected. Oh sorry, did we say a cake? We meant all the raw ingredients that go into making a cake.