It’s a Beautiful Day for a Semen Cocktail

Wait, WHAT?

Wait, WHAT?

We’ve all been there: You wake up fresh-faced and eager to face the day, and, mid-shower, you start thinking about how you could really go for a cocktail made with semen right about now. Just kidding—you never wake up fresh-faced or eager to face the day. Oh, and also, the part about drinking fucking semen.

And yet, someone named Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer would beg to differ. He’s the author of a new book called Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook, which is the premier source for sperm-infused cocktail recipes, at least insofar as it is the only source for sperm-infused cocktail recipes. Let’s dive a little deeper, shall we?

According to Photenhauer, “Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and adds a personal touch to any cocktail.”

Define “often”—because I feel like I know what that word means, and I wouldn’t have used it to describe the frequency with which a jar o’ jizz can be found lurking between the martini olives and lemon wedges at most bars I’ve been to. Then again, maybe it’s more like when a person orders a cocktail made with semen, the bartender mysteriously retreats to the back for a few minutes, before, um, producing the cocktail.

Either way, it doesn’t really make us want to sample a Slightly Saltier Caviar or Mexican Cumslide (both real cocktails described in Photenhauer’s book). Maybe if we keep reading, it’ll make more sense.

Photenhauer continues, “The connoisseur will appreciate learning how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavors of semen.”

Sincerest apologies if we’ve already covered this, but just to clarify, is leaving the semen out altogether definitely not an option? Because while we don’t dispute that alcohol will improve the taste of anything, even semen, you probably wouldn’t need to enhance its flavor if you weren’t drinking it in the first place. To put it another way, you can use makeup to hide a herpes breakout, but if you could just not have contracted herpes to begin with, that would probably be preferable, right?

In short, we must be missing something. Because it sounds like this guy is trying to get us to drink semen on purpose.

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