Judging the Judges

Our assessment of American Idol’s new, weirdly predictable judging panel.

The quest for reality singing shows to out-judge each other continues: The high-profile panel for American Idol’s 12th season was completed last night with Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban joining already-announced newcomer Mariah Carey and veteran Randy Jackson. So what will they bring to the show? Why ask when we already know..?

Randy Jackson

Look for the standard ‘industry insider’ of the group to alternate between looking bored out of his skull and attempting to quell any catfights between the two ladies at the table. Also listen for frequent references about his experience with former contestants, former judges, and the fact that he’s been on the show for almost 11 years in an attempt to simultaneously establish himself as the glue that holds the show together and that his opinion matters more than anyone elses’.

Craig Blankenhorne / FOX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Mariah Carey

Batting of the eyelashes, frequent interruptions, and plenty of tabloid stories regarding her ‘diva backstage demands’ can all be expected. While it’s been over a decade since she gave a bizarre impromptu striptease on TRL, we’re sure that at some point her cleavage will overshadow any of the contestants’ performances. Also wait for the time a doe-eyed hopeful will attempt to perform one of her hits, prompting her to either burst out in tears, storm off the stage, storm the stage to give them a hug, or any combination of these three overly dramatic reactions.

Nicki Minaj

Obviously she’ll have to fulfill the prime reason for her rumored $12 million salary: feuding with Mariah Carey. In addition to that she’ll wear crazy outfits, have strong positive opinions about contestants that none of the other judges like, and nab any opportunity to speak in a wacky voice, groove in her seat, and make Keith Urban uncomfortable.

Craig Blankenhorne / FOX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Keith Urban

Mrs. Nicole Kidman, with his sweet Australian-accented country roots, will divide his time between looking dreamy, speaking gentle words of encouragement, and wondering, ‘How the fuck did I get this job?’

For more TV, check out our Fall TV predictions.

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