Here’s Who Needs To Be In President Kanye West’s Cabinet
All aboard Air Force Yeezus.
Sunday night, during Kanye West’s 12-minute speech after receiving the Video Vanguard life-achievement award at MTV’s VMA’s, the outspoken rapper uttered the most jaw dropping sentence of his career: “And, yes, as you probably could have guessed in this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”
Apparently he’s serious [Editor’s note: LOL], so we thought it would be a good idea to start preparing for his possible reign of terror by suggesting who we think would be the best possible picks for his 2020 presidential cabinet. Maybe Kanye will agree and bring our staff on as advisors. Here’s hoping.
Vice President of the United States: Justin Bieber
Historically, the Vice President’s role is that of a doofy wingman who is non-threatening, doesn’t steal too much thunder from the President, and offers up a “yeah, what he said” every so often. Bieber was born for this. He’ll be ever at the ready to do prayer hands and offer a tear or two to beef up any and all presidential speeches that Kanye finds himself giving during his time in office.
Secretary of State: Taylor Swift
The Department of State primarily handles international relations, which requires a secretary with an uncanny knack for adapting to any scenario and putting forward a “Go America” sensibility at every turn. Taylor Swift, the human equivalent of a glass of warm milk, is the perfect choice: perpetually diplomatic and naturally adept at building multi-lateral squads. Let’s just hope she doesn’t have any private email servers.
Secretary of the Treasury: Rihanna
Bitch better have my money. And his money. And her money. And their money. Everybody’s money. Don’t make Rihanna ask twice.
Secretary of Defense: Beyonce
Beyonce is basically a superhero just waiting for a cause. And honestly, what military troupe would say no to her, for any reason? Have you seen her thighs recently? They alone could kill a few terrorist forces.
Attorney General: Solange Knowles
We’ve all seen what Solange can do with a shoe. No domestic threat will stand a chance.
Secretary of the Interior: Miley Cyrus
The Department of the Interior uses sound science to manage and sustain America’s lands, water, wildlife, and energy resources, honors our nation’s responsibilities to tribal nations, and advocates for America’s island communities. That will keep Miley busy (and away from microphones) for a nice long while.
Secretary of Agriculture: Lil Wayne
Putting Lil Wayne in charge of the farming industry would insure the greenest, and most fragrant crops these fine lands have ever seen.
Secretary of Commerce: Jay Z
As one of the most financially successful hip hop artists and entrepreneurs in America, it’s been proven beyond a doubt that Jay Z is a master at promoting economic growth.
Secretary of Labor: Madonna
No other artist knows more about holding on to a job for dear life than Madonna.
Secretary of of Health & Human Services: Drake
In between releasing albums and snuffing out internet bro-fights with effortless diss tracks, Drake has been slowly making himself into Superman. Who better to appoint to a position that helps people who can’t help themselves than a guy who can bench press a Ford Explorer?
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Aaron Spelling
The TV producer responsible for hits like Charlie’s Angels and 90210 still holds the record for having the most expensive celebrity home out there ($150 million.) Housing? Development? Must be Tuesday.
Secretary of Transportation: Jerry Seinfeld
Seinfeld’s $15 million car collection has him more than ready to get this position up and running. He recently bought a $1 million Porche Spyder Hybrid that would make for a great company car. Also, presidential cabinets need some diversity.
Secretary of Energy: Nicki Minaj
Minaj has proven time and time again that she has the energy of 50 people combined. She also has experience with cleaning up nuclear weapons.
Secretary of Eduation: Meek Mill
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Mick Jagger
At 72-years-old, the front man for the Rolling Stones and co-producer of HBO’s upcoming series, Vinylis one of the hardest working veterans out there.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Kim Kardashian
Realistically speaking, Kardashian will most likely not be in the running for the first lady position in 2020. Being the good sport that he is, President West will offer her an equally suitable position.
So there you have it. The 2020 election cycle should be an exciting year.