You Can Now Bid on a Clump of Kanye West’s (Alleged) Pubes on eBay
Every day is a gift. Today that gift is pubes.
There is an endless, and I mean endless, stream of shit made available for online purchase every day. Hell, just this morning I woke up with the strong urge to search Etsy (wait, you probably don’t know what that is — think eBay but with an excess of yarn) for a framed portrait of Elizabeth Montgomery, dressed as her character in Bewitched. AND I FOUND ONE! Being able to search for, and then buy, almost anything you can think of from the comfort of your own shame-filled home can cause you to spiral into an unhinged delirium. So go nuts. Treat your damn self. Buy a bundle of Kanye West’s pubes for all anyone cares. Because that is also, to the shock and dismay of absolutely no one, a thing that you can bid for on eBay right now. Not a pinch of pubes, nor a dash of pubes, but a fully-fledged bundle of damn pubes.
The pube auction in question ends in six days and is, as of now, set for under a dollar. So far there’s only been one bid, which is insane. Here’s the full item description, which is definitely the best thing you’ve ever read in your life.
****MINT CONDITION****
Disclaimer: The description says “used,” but that’s only because technically, Kanye has used them. They were on his body and I am going to assume he was using them on a daily basis until I came across them, however I have not used them which makes them half-used half-mint condition in my book.
The story begins with my bitch of an ex-girlfriend who bought me Kanye West tickets for his show at the Hollywood Bowl back in September. She bought them for herself using my credit card (cunt) and when we broke up I got to keep the tickets because fffuuucckkkk yyyooouuuu Chelsea. 1 sold on Craigslist and because I could not find anyone willing to pay $$$ to see Kanye I figured fuck it. I’ll go by myself.
I did not even make it to the headlining act. 1 too many beers with 5 vodka sodas to help me forget that I was at a Kanye West concert alone landed me in the bathroom. Not just any bathroom though. I am 90% sure that I somehow got into a VIP area. That sounds like bullshit, but I watching me stumble around drunk is akin to watching a meth head tweak out in public. No one wants to go near meth heads. Also, security there blows. It was probably more because of that than it was because of my alcoholism.
So I’m in a VIP bathroom and Kanye West comes out of a stall. I almost didn’t recognize him because what are the chances that your butt is going to touch the same place that Kanye West’s butt did? Any normal guy wouldda asked for an autograph, but normal people also do not go to Kanye West concerts alone as an excuse to binge drink. I stared at him, panicked, then ran into the stall.
Then I look down and see hair.
Now how do I know it is Kanye’s hair? Kanye West is a man who shits gold and then eats it for breakfast alongside a bowl of Cheerios. He would not fuck with a toilet seat sprinkled with pubes. Kanye was definitely marking his territory with pubic hair. So I did what any normal human being would do: I got down on my knees, scooped those dick hairs into my hands and sprinted out of there.
But what do I do with them? Kim Kardashian’s face has touched these pubes, which means I have also touched Kim Kardashian’s face since my hands touched Kanye’s pubes. My hands have also now touched Kim’s vagina, Kim’s butt and even her boobs. I am not a rapper and I am also not famous, but I have now officially gotten to third base with Kim Kardashian. I am a legend.
These pubes have sat on my living room mantle for over 2 weeks and I cant decide what to do with them. Fertilize a garden? Put them in an empty bottle and throw it out to sea? I cant keep them because people keep asking me why I have a bag of hair on my mantle and I cant hide them someplace else because they will get lost.
And that is why they are now on sale here on eBay. Maybe Kanye will buy them back or maybe some lucky guy will get to keep them on HIS mantle. It does not matter to me. I just want these pubes to have a good home and me to have a few more dollars in my wallet.
Wow. Wow. Just, wow.
Photos by Pierre Suu / Getty images
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