Kevin Smith Talks To Maxim About His Hypothetical (But Inevitable) Death

Silent Bob mouths off on his last day on Earth.

Silent Bob mouths off on his last day on Earth.

Illustrated for Maxim by Andy MacGregor | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

How do you wanna go?

Eatin’ my wife’s ass, watching Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Part 2. If you’ve gotta die, die watching Batman kill the Joker. You could leave this world knowing good does eventually triumph. While you’ve got a face full of the sweetest ass on Earth. 

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

You don’t need a big dick to win in life! It gives guys hope. As I leave, a bunch of small-dick fuckers are like, “Oh, my God! He even said it when he died. It was that important!”

What if God does look like Alanis Morissette?

I win big time unless God is like, “And you owe me for copyright infringement.” I imagine that would be very flattering to a deity. Somewhere the fucker who wrote Bruce Almighty is catchin’ shit because the Alanis Morissette God is like, “I don’t look like Morgan Freeman!”

What movie is on repeat in the theater in hell?

Home Alone. America fell in love with how cute it was and the notion of, “There are home invaders who are trying to fucking kill your kid, but he’s gonna do ’em away with marbles.” There was no truth in that art.

What about in heaven?

Jersey Girl. God’s favorite movie. Double feature with Cop Out. I stand outside the theater laughing for all eternity. I’d pull critics aside and be like, “Look, I was right.” But there will never be a critic in heaven.

What did you spend the most money on in life?

DVDs and Blu-rays. We’re, like, three generations removed from this dead technology, everyone’s livin’ in the cloud, and I still got an unopened copy of Juwanna Mann.

If you could be buried with one comic book, what would it be?

Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. It transcends comic book. The way people go on about The Great Gatsby and what a fuckin’ hero he was and the inner conflict and the green light? That’s all horseshit compared to The Dark Knight Returns.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while alive?

Made Clerks. It was so uncharacteristic. I was working at a convenience store and living with my parents when I saw Richard Link­later’s Slacker. I was like, “I wanna be a filmmaker, too.” Never did anything wild after that. I stopped riding roller coasters.

Who would you spy on when you’re dead?

My kid, hands down. But I wanna make sure I time visits so I’m not there for “my first second base,” shit like that. That would be horrifying to ghost dad.

Got any regrets?

I wanted to crowdsource- finance Red State before Kickstarter existed and some blogger wrote, “Ew. Kevin Smith is begging for money for his horror movie.” I just dropped the whole thing. It was so high school to go, “Oh, I don’t wanna be called a beggar.” 

Any woman you always wanted to sleep with?

Fat dudes appre­ciate any pussy they get, so there’s no one out there that I’m like, “Man, if only…” Otherwise marriage would be a weird prospect. “I’m committin’ my life to you, but in my head I wanna fuck somebody else.”

What are people saying over your casket?

“Wow. The casket adds 10 pounds.”

Once and for all, Batman or Superman?

Batman. All day long, twice on Sunday. 

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