The Lamest Things in College Basketball
Hey, we love NCAA hoops as much as the next guy, but you’ve got to admit: Some of it is pretty goddamn stupid.
The NCAA Tournament play-in game
An underdog is only lovable when it’s playing a good team. When it’s two underdogs playing for the right to lose to North Carolina by five touchdowns, it’s called a sucky game.
Dick Vitale
With all the energy this 68-year-old maniac needlessly expends on dunkaroos, “diaper dandies,” and general awesomeness, Dickie V should be able to light Cameron Indoor Stadium on aneurysm power.
Upsets
This isn’t college football. Sure every so often No. 8 Indiana gets knocked off by unranked Xavier. And then what happens? The Hoosiers enter the Tournament 24–6 instead of 25–5. So let’s everyone just relax.
Getting on camera
You came up with a (moderately) clever one-liner and committed it to poster board. A cameraman struggling for anything interesting to shoot found you in time for the SportsCenter promo. Hope you remembered to bring rubbers to the game!
Duke
The Blue Devils haven’t passed the Final Four in three years or won a title in seven, yet everyone still acts like Coach K. craps platinum. You idiots really want something to bounce up and down about? ComiCon’s coming to Durham in May.
Seniors
The last good one was Tim Duncan, and that was 1997. Today there are barely any, and the ones who stick around aren’t loyal, they just weren’t good enough to go pro two years ago.
“Rock ‘n’ Roll Part 2”
The effing song was released in 1972, and since then, singer Gary Glitter has been formally classified as a sex offender for keeping child porn on his computer. Call us crazy, but maybe it’s time we come up with a new anthem to celebrate our young boys.
Free throws
Hey, people who throw your arms in the air and coo while the other team’s at the stripe: Stop pretending the most boring part of the game is actually exciting. It takes more than waving and catcalling to distract a Division I athlete. Try booster payments instead.
T-shirt cannons
We know you’re a poor college student, but have some pride. Is it really worth trampling everyone in your section to get a free XXL MasterCard tee?
Dunks
Maybe this is just blowback from too many years of watching Stuart Scott conniptions on ESPN, but a dunk is still worth the same as a layup or a baseline jumper. Now beat it before we start babbling about the lost art of the pick-and-roll like our Dad.
