“Mad Men” Finale Theory #4: Whatever, Man

Things are gonna get weird. 

This is the fourth of a series of plausible (or not so plausible) “Mad Men” endings as predicted by Maxim editors. The entire article is a spoiler.

Predicting how “Mad Men,” my favorite television show, will end is a task I fear I’m not emotionally up to. I was a weepy wreck just watching the final trailer that revealed absolutely nothing except for a montage of existing footage.  God knows what I’ll be like this Sunday.

But I must forge on in my duties as a Person Who Writes About TV for the Internet. So if I had it my way, here’s how it would go down:

The penultimate episode, “The Milk and Honey Route,” ended with Don confessing that he killed his CO to a group of drunk veterans, giving his car up to a young con man, and waiting at a bus stop for who-knows-where. Before we get back to him, we’ll pay a visit to all our other characters, in the form of a flash-forward: 

Roger, twirling his new moustache thoughtfully one day, will feel a spark of inspiration. He becomes the first person to print a “Free Moustache Rides” t-shirt and it makes him a billionaire. 

Pete‘s hairline retreats so far back it somehow ends up on his butt.

In a moment of unadulterated passion, Peggy grabs onto Stan’s fringe jacket and furiously starts frenching him. They finally end up together and Stan becomes a stay-at-home dad and Peggy becomes  the creative director she always wanted to be because she is a boss bitch.

Joan starts her own business because she is a Phoenix who will rise from the ashes, damnit.

Betty is very dead.

Sally moves to New York and enjoys it in all its gritty ’70s glory. One day, she rides into Studio 54 on a white horse. 

And back to Don. When we reunite with Don, he’s a little bit older at a hotel in California, pulling a page out of his typewriter. He sets it at the bottom of a stack, then flips it all over. The camera pans to the title: “Why I’m Leaving New York.” The entire series was in fact just Don’s Didion-esque personal essay about moving to California. Then he stands up, looks straight at the camera, and drops trou. The final scene of “Mad Men” is the camera slowly zooming in on his penis while “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’” plays, until it all fades to black and the Golden Age of TV is over.

Photos by AMC