Mascot Massacre

Forget illegally funded freshmen and overly grabby coaches. What if the bowl season were left in the hands, paws, and webbed feet of the NCAA’s most furious furries?


Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Oregon Ducks

Last Year’s Result:
Ohio State 26, Oregon 17

Mascot Champ: The Ducks would have ducked the Buckeyes up because, seriously, what in the hell is a Buckeye? It sounds a lot like a “browneye,” and those things never win.


Texas Christian Horned Frogs vs. Boise State Broncos

Last Year’s Result:
Boise State 17, TCU 10

Mascot Champ: The Broncos would squash that herpes-stricken Kermit faster than you can say Valtrex.


Iowa Hawkeyes vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Last Year’s Result:
Florida 51, Cincinatti 24

Mascot Champ: Yellow Jackets, no question. Just saying those words makes us jump up and down in our seats, swatting around our faces and screaming “Is it off me?! Is it off me?!”


Florida Gators vs. Cincinnati Bearcats

Last Year’s Result:
Florida 51, Cincinnati 24

Mascot Champ: We googled “bearcat” to see what we’re dealing with: a viverrid mammal from Southeast Asia. We were going to google “viverrid” next, but got lazy. Gators win!


Alabama Crimson Tide vs. Texas Longhorns

Last Year’s Result:
Alabama 37, Texas 21

Mascot Champ: Forget the elephant: Crimson Tide is just another term for algae, and if Paulo, our pool boy, can dispose of algae with a dash of chlorine, we gotta give it to Horns.