Maxim Taste Test: Valentine's Day Chocolate

6 female Maxim editors ate 6 boxes of chocolate and drank 2 bottles of Champagne just so you could choose the right stuff for your lady this year. You're welcome.
Author:
Updated:
Original:

1. GHIRARDELLI DARK & STRAWBERRY SQUARES

Box Packaging/Presentation: 6.3/10

Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 4.8/10

Taste: 4.5/10

Texture: 4/10

Richness: 5.8/10

Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 4.2/10

How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 6.2/10

Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 2.3/10

Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 2.6/10

Overall Use of Chocolate: 4.7/10

Comment(s): "Strawberry goo is no good."

"Eww god, make it stop."

"I don't like fruit in my chocolate. Stop trying to make that happen."

TOTAL: 45.4/100 (45%)

2. FERRERO ROCHER FINE HAZELNUT CHOCOLATES

Box Packaging/Presentation: 7.3/10

Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 6.5/10

Taste: 8.8/10

Texture: 7.6/10

Richness: 7.8/10

Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 8.2/10

How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 6.0/10

Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 7.8/10

Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 8/10

Overall Use of Chocolate: 8.6/10

Comment(s): "It gets better at every layer."

"Yum! Super classy stuff."

"Always a favorite."

TOTAL: 76.6/100 (77%)

3.GODIVA HEARTS

Box Packaging/Presentation: 6.2/10

Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 5.8/10

Taste: 6.3/10

Texture: 7.7/10

Richness: 8/10

Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): N/A

How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 6.7

Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 6/10

Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 6/10

Overall Use of Chocolate: 7.2/10

Comment(s): "I like my chocolate like Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream: with a lot of crap in it or a flavor combo. This is boring and feels like a Godiva cop-out.

TOTAL: 59.9/90 (67%)

4.RUSSELL STOVER ASSORTED FINE CHOCOLATES

Box Packaging/Presentation: 4.7/10

Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 5.5/10

Taste: 3.3/10

Texture:  4.3/10

Richness: 5.8/10

Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 5.3/10

How Well Does It Pair With Champagne?  4/10

Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 2/10

Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 1.3/10

Overall Use of Chocolate: 3.2/10

Comment(s): "Yuck, this tastes like moth balls but the caramel inside is kind of good."

"Eating these makes me feel like a cheap hooker."

"Totally something you pick up last-minute at CVS."

"It would be okay to receive this from a friend or a middle school boyfriend, but I wouldn't be impressed if my current boyfriend got it because I know you can get these for like two dollars at Duane Reade."

"Even if you're on a budget, find another way."

TOTAL: 75.4/100 (75%)

5.LINDT LINDOR MILK AND WHITE MILK CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES

Box Packaging/Presentation: 4.8/10

Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 5.5/10

Taste: 3.3/10

Texture: 5.8/10

Richness: 6.2/10

Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 5.3/10

How Well Does It Pair With Champagne?  4.8/10

Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 2/10

Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 1.3/10

Overall Use of Chocolate: 4.3/10

Comment(s): "White chocolate sucks but this is okay."

"I like the roundness."

"Suggestive photo: creepy, but it tastes a lot better than I expected."

"I hope white chocolate dies in a fiery car crash. Fuck this shit."

TOTAL: 43.3/100 (43%)

6. NEUHAUS CLASSIC CHOCOLATES

Box Packaging/Presentation: 6.5/10

Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 6.2/10

Taste: 4.3/10

Texture:  4.8/10

Richness: 5/10

Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 3.7/10

How Well Does It Pair With Champagne?  5.5/10

Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 4.2/10

Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 5.2/10

Overall Use of Chocolate: 5.5/10

Comment(s): "Classy and smooth, like Donald Trump's hairpiece, or a six-piece chicken McNugget."

"The chocolate looked like a cowboy hat; however, its taste was not as enticing as a cowboy."

"The chocolate lied. There was an almond shape on the candy, but there was just a weird goo in the middle, and it dripped on my face like a jerk."

"I like the little Rice Krispie things inside."

TOTAL: 50.9/100 (51%)

RESULTS

BEST: FERRERO ROCHER!

WORST: LINDT LINDOR TRUFFLES!

We learned that chocolate doesn't have to be fancy or expensive to be delicious. We also learned that white chocolate and fruit-filled chocolate will probably not get you laid. Stick with the classics, and it'll all be okay.

Happy Valentine's Day! Don't mess up!