More important than any owner, coach, or player on your team is the friends with whom you sit down to watch the game. They can make or break your football experience. That’s why we’re giving you the most important mock draft of the season: The definitive draft of your football-watching companions.
With the first pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Optimist
Constantly looking on the bright side, this fan makes watching a pleasure, no matter how miserable the score is. If the optimist is rooting for your squad, you have an angel on your shoulder at all times, encouraging you and making you feel good about the outcome. If they are rooting for the opposition, there is nothing more satisfying than crushing their highest of hopes. And hey, even if you lose, at least you’ll be reminded that there’s always next season.
With the second pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Over-Snacker
This fan is here for the food, and almost nothing else. Every pause in conversation will be filled with them commenting on how good the wings are, and musing aloud about whether you should order more. Fortunately, the over-snacker will usually bring enough food to satiate their enormous appetite and then some, so you’ll spend less time thinking about sustenance and more time thinking about your team’s lack of a running game.
With the third pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Gambler
(Photo: Yuri Arcurs / Getty Images)
This dice-roller may not know who the coach of the team playing is, but they’ll definitely know the over-under on third down blitzes and be absolutely crushed when the bet doesn’t land. You can usually write these fans off, but if you have a buddy who’s really on tilt, you might be able to sucker-bet them into owing you a few beers. Or a car. Either way.
With the fourth pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Know-It-All
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While the idea of having your own private statistician might be appealing, it starts to get tiresome by the 24th time you’ve been told that the Vikings give up leads in the third quarter of 67% of their games over the last three seasons. Stats are great because there are a lot of them, but stats are also terrible because there are a lot of them, and most of them are completely inane.
With the fifth pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Fake Know-It-All
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The only thing worse than the regular know-it-all is the guy who's trying so aggressively to gain acceptance into the group that he just starts making up stats altogether. Luckily, it only takes a few slips while trying to really dazzle the crowd before people start to pick up on this dolt’s lack of knowledge. “Did you know that the Raiders have never won at home?” No, we didn’t. Because it’s not true.
With the sixth pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Pessimist
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The inverse of the delightful optimist, the pessimist is unbearable no matter which side of the fence they fall on. If they are on your side, they’ll plant the idea that your team “will just squander that lead” or insist that “this’ll be another failed drive.” And good luck trying to milk any pleasure at all from the sports fan equivalent of Eeyore. It’s like shooting fish in a really sad barrel.
With the seventh pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Screamer
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This maniac LIVES TO SCREAM. “WHERE’S THE PASS INTERFERENCE CALL, HOCHULI?!” “WHAT KIND OF FORMATION IS THIS?!” “YOU CALL THAT A NATIONAL ANTHEM?!” Hopefully you have understanding neighbors.
With the eighth pick of the 2014 NFL-Watching Friend Draft, Maxim selects…The Bandwagoner
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The Holy Grail of obnoxious fans. This opportunist will swear up and down that they’ve always been a Patriots fan, because their friend’s cousin was totally in Maine once, or whatever. But you all know better, because you saw him ditch a Romo jersey in the first round of the playoffs. If you can avoid this fan, do so at all costs. The Bandwagoner's lack of self-awareness even disqualifies them from being good punching bags for the rest of the real sports fans.
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