So, tailgating has been banned at the Super Bowl, because apparently we lost the Cold War when nobody was looking. Understand, this is a country whose most popular craft beer is named after a guy who signed the Declaration of Independence. A country that eats, drinks, and breathes football for five months a year. And yet we, as a people, have been forbidden from combining our two greatest loves: Spending $5,000 on tickets, and public intoxication. Like, thanks, Obama.
So what are we to do when The Man has forbidden us from public revelry? Easy; we’re going to do some stealth tailgating. We shall take to the shadows, sneaking sips, shots, and shish kabobs with surgical precision. We’ll drink in secret, or hidden in plain sight. Either way, tailgating cannot be held back, not for a game like this. It’s too important. But how can you go about stealth tailgating? Just follow our lead, play it cool, and don’t draw attention to yourself while doing the following:
1. Exploit a Loophole
The greatest spies in cinematic history make their living exploiting loopholes. They might plant listening devices on just the right phone line, or crawl in through an unguarded air duct. Finding the right weak point - and leveraging it - is the name of the game. So what’s the loophole here? Technically speaking, tailgating isn’t prohibited. Taking up more than one parking spot is.
In other words, no tents, no grills, no canopies or RVs. But, you’re still allowed to drink in your car. We can use this to our advantage. First off - can you sit in one place without moving? Of course you can! You’re an American - that’s your raison d’etre. Okay then, all you have to do is call upon your personal history of drinking in the car before your divorce proceedings, your arraignment, heading to the doctor’s to hear your test results and - man, you’ve got a lot going on, huh? Still, backseat drinking is a-ok at the Super Bowl. For the true stealth experience, feel free to hide underneath a blanket. And to be on the safe side, you should probably sleep it off there and drive home in the morning.
2. Find a Secret Party
What could be stealthier than tailgating in a secret club? Think, like, a speakeasy, with all the cloak-and-dagger intrigue, but combined with football. Sounds pretty cool, right? Well, that’s what New Jersey is offering with their Meadowlands Tailgate Party 2014. The intent is to create a Jersey-infused tailgating experience, but without the cars, and with a Bruce Springsteen cover band. Sounds...great? Plus, for all you risk-takers out there, you can roll the dice with people from Jersey handling your food and drinks.
So, it’ll have food trucks and a beer garden and all that stuff. But the big question is, where isthis secret party? We’ve spent the last 20 minutes searching for how to get there, and it’s nowhere to be found. One website directed us to the city of East Rutherford's website, but the event doesn’t show up there - all they have are notices about trash pickup and a free rabies clinic. How shadowy is this? They’re hosting this event to show up New York (the party’s tagline is “Live from East Rutherford”), but maps, directions, and schedules are nowhere to be found. If you’ve got the secret code to gain us access, let us know. Worst-case scenario, get yourself over to its sister party, the Secaucus Winter Blast, which has the added bonus of sounding like spearmint gum for your dick (we were all thinking it).
Photo: DreamPictures / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
3. Become a Booze Mule
If you can’t tailgate in the parking lot, why not tailgate (or perform a reasonable facsimile thereof) in Manhattan? In other words, get loaded up on the hooch of your choice, grab a few bratwursts somewhere, and show up to the stadium just as the nitrates and intoxicants start working their magic. After all, they can’t control what you do before you get to the parking lot.
Some general advice on this strategy:
1. JELL-O shots are time-released, so you could load up at a friend’s place or your hotel room, hop on the train to Jersey, and get settled in to your seat just as the vodka hits your bloodstream.
2. If you’d rather go the more direct route, there are plenty of bars near Penn Station. Normally, we’d just tell you to belly up at the Penn Station TGI Fridays, choke down some Ultimate Mango Berry Daiquiris and wonder what on earth happened to your dreams. But, for fans of Seattle and Denver - methinks craft beer bars are in order.
3. Speaking of, we’re sure the folks from Denver and Seattle are used to, shall we say, recently legalized flora. Not for nothing, but Washington Square park is supposed to be lovely this time of year (ahem).
No matter what your strategy, just remember, you’ll be operating behind state lines before ever going into New Jersey. They’ll never know.
Photo: Anglesey / iStock Photo | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
4. If All Else Fails, Go With A Classic.
What about tailgating at a random parking lot further out, then getting your stumble on to the stadium? No dice. You can’t walk to the Super Bowl. “That’s what they said about Mordor!” you might protest, but remember, nobody from New Jersey has read Lord of the Rings because it’s not the nutritional label on a container of whey protein. So that metaphor is out, and you’re relegated to public transit
The good news? Like your father, and his father before him, and his father before him, and pretty much your entire ancestry, you can brown bag it and drink on the train. Now, there’s a chance that New Jersey Transit might not allow this (we couldn’t find any evidence online. Also, we couldn’t reach them via phone because we called during Winter Storm Janus). So this is probably the perfect opportunity to ask for forgiveness, rather than permission. Brown bags: The ultimate form of stealth.
Courtesy of theBeerBelly/ baronbob.com
5. Don’t Forget The Gadgets
Of course, the most thrilling element of stealth is using really cool gadgets to accomplish your task. And thankfully, there are oodles of secret gadgets to help winos publicly booze in secret. Take, for instance, the beer belly, which you could pass off as your natural belly because, again, you’re American and the holidays were a few weeks ago. Or the wine rack, which cruelly makes boobs smaller with each sip, thereby giving many something of an existential crisis between boobs and booze. Or the Flask Tie, which is slightly less credible because, come on, when’s the last time you wore a tie outside of your paternity test?
So there you have it - five tried-and-true strategies to help you booze it up under the radar for this year’s Super Bowl. So party hard, stay safe, have fun, and get the hell out of our way on the train.
Photos by Karan Kapoor / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014