Maxim’s Guide To (Terrible) Homemade Anti-Zombie Weapons

With Dead Rising 3 hitting stores today, we thought we’d test our own improvised weapon-making skills.

In celebration of the release of Dead Rising 3, we thought we’d do a little something special today. Now, if you’ve ever played the Dead Rising series, you’ll know their trademark feature is the ability to turn household items into weapons, and then combine two different weapons into a new, unique weapon. For instance, the trailer for Dead Rising 3 shows the main character attaching a buzzsaw on the non-business end of a sledgehammer. And just like that – hammer on one side, buzzsaw on the other – your enemies get buzzed and hammered (and not in the good way).

Another feature of the Dead Rising series is the time limit. In previous installations, one play-through of the game concluded after about six hours. In this iteration, there’s no time limit (unless you’re playing in Nightmare mode) but, in order to honor this game, we thought we’d do a little experiment. Could I craft usable weapons out of whatever was lying around my apartment, pretending that zombies are 15 minutes away? It wouldn’t be easy, especially since the clock started three seconds ago. Let’s go!

The Utility Closet: 14:57 Remaining

Jumping into action, I rushed to the first place you’d look for common zombie-stomping paraphernalia: The utility closet! Gotta be a hammer or something handy, right? That’s when I remembered that I live in Queens, and I don’t have a lawn to take care of. So, no hedge clippers or shovels or anything. But what I did find…

Ingredients: Vacuum cleaner. Snazzy sports jacket. Shoes.

Weapon Name: Vacuum Shoe Coat Fuuuuuu

Pros: Rotating bristles mean I can keep my carpets spic and span in half the time! And the jacket will keep the vacuum toasty on cool, brisk days.

Cons: WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS THIS THING!? This is the best I could come up with? I can’t kill anything with this! Oh, Jesus. Oh my God. I’m not cut out to be a zombie blacksmith. They are going to feast on my brains forever.

The Bathroom: 12:13 Remaining

Ok, so, the utility closet was a bust. Sensing my impending doom, I burst into the bathroom to have a good, angsty dry heave to clear my system. And that’s when I noticed the razors. Of course – razors! I’ll just jury-rig a few of them together into a deadly projectile! The combination of seven blades of righteous justice can stand up to even the deadliest of walkers! I also used toothpaste, because…I have toothpaste.

Ingredients: Assorted razor blades. Tape. Toothpaste.

Weapon Name: Shurazorkin

Pros: Able to be thrown from a safe distance. Tri-razor design allows for maximum chances of impact. Toothpaste will leave area of impact pleasant and minty fresh.

Cons: Have you seen the cost of razors these days? Each shurazorkin will probably run you north of $20. Plus, initial field tests haven’t exactly yielded positive results.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U85cwt9_t78

The Living Room: 9:47 Remaining

With time starting to run out, I scanned my apartment for something – anything – to help hold the zombies at bay. That’s when I noticed the last vestiges of my failed music career – my guitars! While these trusty basses helped lay down the rhythm for noted pioneers X mY Z and The Vancouver Porn Ensemble (actual bands I was actually in) today, they’re little more than giant paperweights. Or…zombie clobberers? Zomberers, if you’re big on portmanteaux (I totally am. Totam!)

Ingredients: Galveston 6-string bass guitar. Yamaha nylon-string acoustic guitar. A necktie.

Weapon Name: The Hell Kabong

Pros: Two different guitars allow for different strengths of attack: The acoustic is ideal for quick melee jabs on weaker characters, whereas the bass guitar is better suited for slower, stronger attacks against more durable characters or level bosses.

Cons: I spent a lot of money on those fucking guitars, and even if they save my life (they won’t) I will still resent the expense.

The Kitchen: 5:38 Remaining

Unable to withstand the sentimental blow of losing my guitars, I ran into the kitchen, where I found…aha! Something useful for once!

Ingredients: Big knife. Bigger knife. Dish towel.

Weapon Name: You Only Knive Twice

Pros: Attached together, the knives allowed for up to 7 inches of clobbering power!

Cons: These stupid pieces of metal are getting in the way. If only this were a rolling pin, it’d do the trick. Alas.

Hallway: 2:22 Remaining

Okay, Hail Mary time. The stupid dishtowel got sliced apart somehow, and You Only Knive Twice is now useless. So, I’ve got time for just one more weapon before my time’s up. That’s when I spotted the most ferocious weapon in our apartment. Here, boy!

Ingredients: Stabby things. Shay the Puggle.

Weapon Name: The Pug of War

Pros: Weapon is mobile and autonomous. Strategically, this means we could get in scenarios where we flank groups of zombies from behind.

Cons: Shay likes cuddling more than fighting. He also likes licking faces, so he’d catch zombieism pretty quickly. I don’t think he’d be a very good weapon.

***

Well, that does it. 15 minutes are just about up, the hypothetical zombies are about to get to my door, and I’m weaponless. Lesson learned: Leave the video game heroics to the video game heroes, like Nick Ramos in Dead Rising 3. C’mere Shay. If we’re going down, let’s go down together, little buddy. Here, let me get those stupid forks off of you.

Time Remaining: 0:02

Check out The 10 Least Threatening Beat-‘Em-Up Video Game Characters, our insider’s guides to the Xbox One and the PlayStation 4, or read The 6 Most Traumatic Deaths In Video Games