Maxim’s Resident Angry Bald Guy Picks 2013’s 10 Best Albums For Angry Bald Guys

Congratulations on reading your ten millionth “Best of 2013” list.

Hey, listen, man…I’m just like you. I prefer reading all my information in list form, too. My only gripe is that it’s all the same stupid albums over and over. Oh really? You like Daft Punk? You and every other single person on the planet. You think Arcade Fire released a great album? Well, you’re a part of the great big bland consumer mass. (Also, you have no taste and would benefit from being thrown into a junkie squat and forced to read the worst of Lester Bang’s writings.)

Here’s what you should have been listening to this year, you schnooks.  

1)Future of the Left – How to Stop Your Brain in an Accident

The hallmark of a great album is that it makes you appreciate a band’s older work in a new way. There are so many variations of style on this record and it rewards full listenings. This isn’t a record you pick a single off of – it’s classic in the sense that you need to listen to it from start to finish to appreciate its genius.

2)Carcass – Surgical Steel

This is an emotional choice for number two. It doesn’t particularly do anything new, but it’s like perfect comfort food: It’s soothing. And it features my favorite song of the year, “Noncompliance to ASTM F 899-12 Standard.” Also, the opening track is called “1985,” which is when it feels like this tape was made, in the best way possible.

3)Nails – Abandon All Life

This is what you listen to after your girlfriend has left you for her ex the night before your sister’s wedding (true story!). Not as catchy as the last record, Unsilent Death, but still fucking ferocious. As an added bonus, if you like the phrase “that’s what’s up,” you totally have to see them live.

4) Concrete Cross – s/t

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. It’s a terrifying record – pure dirtbag hardcore with insane, unmatched vocals. When I hear “City For Sale” I imagine a bunch of crustpunks beating up Wall Street types. However, I can’t understand the lyrics, so it could very well be an advertisement for Rick Santorum’s next presidential campaign.  

5)Ghost – Infestissuman

Here’s a real polarizing band.  I have friends cursing these guys as cheesy and bullshit, but the truth is that anything that consistently extols the virtues of Satan, has perfect production, and amazing harmonies, ain’t bad. It fact, it fucking rules. 

6)Danny Brown – Old

His first album was great, but it was inconsistent. This one keeps all the badass awesomeness of his insane lyrics and vocal style, but the production is so much tighter. “Side A” is my favorite two-verse track since 2Mex’s “The Return of Fernandomania.”

7)Baptists – Bushcraft

When I think skate-culture music I think of F.Y.P and Grandaddy. Because of the new record, you can add Baptists to the list, even though they sound nothing like those two bands. Heavy as fuck with Goddamn soul. Also, they look adorable. 

8)Deltron 3030Event 2

Sure, it sounds a lot like the first record, but the first record fucking rocked! This hit the regular rotation quickly.

9)Immolation – Kingdom of Conspiracy

Around for over two decades and have never sounded better. This record is complete heavy joy from start to finish, and even better live.

10)Daft Punk – Random Access Memories

Alright, fine. Fuck you, I loved this record. I’m just like everyone else. Honestly though, “Get Lucky” could have been sandwiched between two Dave Matthews/Phish 30-minute jam sessions and I’d still have put it on my 10 best list. The fucking track holds weight.