Monday Morning Sports Rant: April 4, 2011

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

maxim: Obviously the big story over the weekend was…THE WOMEN’S FINAL FOUR WAS CRAZY!!

Or something.

bigdaddydrew: I literally don’t even know what happened.

Sometimes, I’ll go to the ESPN front page and they’ll have the women’s tourney prominently featured and it’s like, Well, look who’s trolling for viewers.

I think it sucks that women’s basketball gets shit on like that.

It’s not like they don’t work hard.

ESPN pushes it because they have the rights, and because it’s a PR thing to get more women into ALL ESPN things.

Which is way cynical.

But anyway, I think it’s pretty lousy to be a women’s basketball player and be told repeatedly how much people don’t care about your sport.

I think the sport would benefit from LESS coverage.

If it wasn’t featured prominently, then you wouldn’t have to hear all the time from these guys who get all pissy when it barges in on their regular sports.

maxim: Fair point.

So let’s move on to this final.

bigdaddydrew: Ah yes.

I have UConn in my pool.

But I can’t win it if they win regardless.

And yet, I really enjoy letting people know I picked the champ right, so there you have it.

maxim: I’m impressed.

No one in our pool had them.



maxim: You’re a bracket hero!

bigdaddydrew: I am!


Seriously though, I pick UConn pretty much every year.

If you pick a team that wins NCAA titles with regularity, then you usually strike paydirt every few years.

And as much as I like Butler, God is always a cunt and will never let them win tonight.

He’ll give them a taste of the big time, but he’ll never let them go all the way.

maxim: Maybe your boy Brad made a deal with God this year. Maybe he’s been drinking the blood of virgins all along.

(God still likes that sick shit, right?)

bigdaddydrew: Could be.

He does wear glasses.

People with glasses are 4% less trustworthy.

maxim: Do you wear glasses?

bigdaddydrew: Only at night.


maxim: So I know we said we didn’t care about the Barry Bonds trial, but amazingly I do hear people chattering about his backne and shriveled balls.

bigdaddydrew: Well, hating Barry Bonds never really gets old.

He’s such a prick that you always want to needle him whenever you get the chance.

No one would care and the gov’t never would have pursued this to the ends of the earth if Bonds wasn’t a lousy, awful, horrible person.

Because he is.

maxim: Have you met him?

bigdaddydrew: Nope!


maxim: Damn, I was hoping for a really good “Barry Bonds spit on my shoes” story.

bigdaddydrew: He’ll do that. Five bucks at the memorabilia auction.

maxim: Let’s pretend to care about golf: The Masters is coming! The Masters is coming! Are 

coming? It’s like plural, but it’s one thing. Whatever. The Masters.

bigdaddydrew: I do care, actually.

I watch the Masters on Sunday.

It is funny that it’s called The Masters.

Really, what better way to NOT remind people that your elite golf tourney was born in the era of segregation at an all-white club than by calling it THE MASTERS.

Why not have a whip in your logo while you’re at it?

maxim: So who’s your pick to don the hideous green jacket this year?

bigdaddydrew: Well, I’m on record as saying Tiger will never win another major, so I’ll pick some random guy.

I can’t pick Phil Mickelson.

Watching all the white people treat Mickelson like he’s the goddamn pope whenever he wins makes me want to retch.


maxim: And he’s left-handed! So he can overcome disabilities! Cue soft piano music, gauzy 3-minute bio segment.

bigdaddydrew: Yeah, it’s pretty awful.

But it is a nice harbinger of spring.

I always grill the last day of the Masters.

maxim: How all-American. Do you wear madras pants while you’re cooking?

bigdaddydrew: I ought to.

maxim: You really think Tiger will never win again? Never?

bigdaddydrew: That was my totally BOLD assertion.

Because he’s unaccustomed to people not wanting him to break the record.

I don’t think he was ever prepped to handle that specific kind of adversity.

He was taught to handle crowds and difficult golf shots.

But he was never taught to handle the idea that if he never wins again he’ll be the Guy Who Fucked It All Up.

maxim: Speaking of harbingers of spring: Went to my first Yankees game of the season yesterday. Fans behind me—who had proudly paid $54 for a margarita and a daiquiri—were heckling *other Yankees fans* in front of me, because one dude was wearing a Yankees hat that had like that Marlins blue color on it.

That’s the Yankees for you.

Are you not following their code of sartorial policies?

Then we’ll have to have the Minister of Bouncing escort you back to fucking Westport.

I don’t know why we’re bombing Qaddafi when there’s a dictatorship being run right on our own soil.