Monday Morning Sports Rant February 14, 2011
Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
me: Now we’re cooking with gas!
Drew: Yay!
me: So I’m a newbie here – what’s this all about?
Drew: Well, you say one thing, and then I say another. And then… MAGIC
But really though, just be like “Hey, Tiger Woods choked again.” Is he done?
me: Haha.
Who choked harder, Tiger or Bill Murray?
It was shaping up to be a real Cinderella story
Drew: But didn’t Murray win? Though I suppose that isn’t as funny as him losing horribly
me: Did I? as much as I love Bill Murray, I switched over to basketball
because…you know….golf
Drew: A quick Google search revealed he won. I didn’t watch, because pro-ams are stupid.
LOOK! IT’S RAY ROMANO!
AND HE’S GOLFING! KARYZEE!
me: The one thing I like about a pro-am is seeing Alice Cooper freak out the squares
Drew: He should show up to the course in a giant egg.
me: That would be genius
In fact, if the Grammys and the Pebble Beach Pro Am fall on the same date every year, why not combine them?
That way you’d at least get Timberlake to show up
Also…what the fuck was Clay Matthews doing presenting at the Grammys?
at first I thought it was the star of Thor, but nope
Drew: Agreed. By the way, I’m stunned Arcade Fire won best album that night. Usually, they give that award to someone who was relevant 42 years ago. “And the Grammy goes to… Phil Collins covering old Nat King Cole songs!”
RE: Matthews. IT’s the hair. He has music industry hair
You see that hair and you’re like, well, he’s either a pro wrestler or the lead singer of Puddle of Mudd
me: He really should be a pro wrestler
Drew: Kevin Greene moonlighted. I don’t see why Clay can’t
He may have to once the lockout happens
Did you see they want to reduce the minimum pay for NFL players? Why not just stab them in the eye while they’re at the table?
me: So Goodell want to pay them less for playing more?
Drew: I know!
DICK!
me: So you’re saying next season is fucked, right? Is that what we’re getting at?
Drew: I guess. God, it’s so horrible. So irrational. It’s just like someone like Jerry Jones to ruin something right when its at its best
“Hey, this party is going great! LET’S CALL THE POLICE!”
me: It’s true
I wonder if the crooks at the BCS are licking their chops
Drew: It’s just like “How can you do this? You’re really doing this? God, why would you do this?” I’ll be dumbstruck for the next nine months
Oh and the college thing… they have to play games on Sunday in the fall, right?
I’ll be pissed if they don’t.
me: Not watching football on Sundays is like living in Soviet Russia
Drew: No shit.
It would be a good time to go abroad.
Live in London
Drink beer at 9AM in the morning
Say CUNT to people
Could be pleasant
me: That sounds alright
Is this the worst time of year for sports?
Drew: I think July and August are worse
me: but every couple years you get Olympics or World Cup
Drew: This is true. Plus golf and tennis pop up
But baseball is the only everyday sport in the summer, and it’s not as fun to me as basketball is
I’d still rather watch a two-hour NBA game than a 4-hour AL game
me: But I hate the idea of Celts-Lakers again
Drew: Then stock up on cyanide
Otherwise, it’s Celtics Spurs, which is somehow even worse
me: snooze
Drew: And can they just trade Carmelo already?
For shit’s sake, the rumor comes out before anything happens, which prevents anything from EVER happening
me: Speaking of….what are the chances of Pujols back in St.Louis a year from now?
Drew: I’d have to consult my friend Will Leitch on that, but he’s too busy drinking Comet and vodka because he’s terrified of Pooholes leaving
me: But don’t most of the teams that could sign him have first base locked up for years?
Mark Teixeira would be a very expensive DH
Drew: But baseball is flush right now. When the Brewers can trade for Zach Grienke, it widens the pool quite a bit.
me: True
By the way, is today Pitchers and Catchers?
Drew: Eh, who cares
me: I need something to take my mind of all the Valentine’s Day bullshit
Drew: Look for a b-ball player to score 50 tonight
IT always happens
That way, editors can use the Valentine’s Day Massacre headline
me: Haha
who’s your money on?
Drew: Does that Mormon kid play tonight?
me: Jimmer Fredette?
Drew: Yeah.
If he plays tonight, that’s easy money
me: Valentines Day could be an expensive proposition for a Mormon
Drew: Ha!
They’d have to buy those school boxed set valentines
EACH WIFE GETS A BOX!
me: Alright – any final thoughts?
Drew: I just want everyone to love one another
me: Go fuck yourself
and Happy Valentines Day!
Drew: You too
Read This Next
