Monday Morning Sports Rant February 7th, 2011
Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary, of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about the weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
MF: Good morning, sir!
bigdaddydrew: I’m ready.
MF: It’s a great day to be great. Let’s do it.
First (or, 12 hours later) impressions of last night’s game?
bigdaddydrew: I thought the Mendenhall fumble was basically the game. If that doesn’t happen, is there any doubt that the Steelers take the lead? It felt inevitable right before then.
bigdaddydrew: When they played the Ravens, they were down 21-14 I think. And even though they were still down at that point, the comeback had begun and it felt like the Steelers were gonna win. They cut to the Ravens on the sidelines and THEY looked like the losing team. That’s how it felt right before that fumble.
MF: True, there’d been a complete momentum shift.
But what happened to the Steelers’ secondary throughout that game?
When Troy Polamalu is routinely 5 feet away from…anyone…I feel like that’s a bad sign.
Or did I imagine that?
bigdaddydrew: Well he got burned on the Jennings touchdown, and you’re so used to seeing Polamalu make the right play that it didn’t compute in your brain.
But that’s because Professor Jennings is really, you know, good.
Also, I thought Woodson going down was a death knell
I figured that was it for them.
Oh, and by the way, why didn’t Woodson come back onto the field for the second half? DID YOU SEE HIS DEMEANOR! HE CLEARLY QUIT ON HIS TEAM! HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE RECUMBENT BIKE!
Mark Schlereth says no excuses!
You get out there and you pee in your game pants!
MF: I like how he did pretend for the cameras that cheering a little bit hurt, though. That was good.
Gently touched the collar bone [It hurts HERE, America] just so everyone knew.
Later on, though, when they won, didn’t seem to have too much trouble.
bigdaddydrew: I kid, of course. Ever hurt your collarbone?
MF: I’ve heard. I saw someone break theirs in front of me. Didn’t look pretty.
I just made myself sound pretty suspicious.
So I was watching at a party filled with people weren’t really sports fans. A lot of talking. Which meant I couldn’t hear shit. What Joe Buck gems did I miss out on?
bigdaddydrew: He said the Black Eyed Peas had something amazing in store for halftime. I did not know that thing was a D-grade production of “Starlight Express.”
MF: I was impressed that the Asian dude—who I learned last night isn’t actually Asian! He’s just Latino.—actually did something though.
He wasn’t just wearing a Lite Bright suit out there.
They gave him a mic at one point!
bigdaddydrew: There should be an Urban Dictionary term for guys who look Asian but are Latino, and vice versa.
Mexican Sushi, or something.
MF: I think that’s a Guy Fieri restaurant.
And I’m not really kidding.
Wasabi Jack’s or some shit.
I mean Wasabi Juan’s, I guess.
bigdaddydrew: I feel like Guy Fieri and Roger Clemens go to the same hair froster.
MF: And the same sunglasses and rope bracelet shops.
So I was watching ESPN’s postgame, and I think it was Trent Dilfer who was saying that ARod’s performance will go down as one of the greatest in SB history.
Why didn’t I feel that way watching it?
Is that totally hyperbolic?
bigdaddydrew: Well, he did get Cameron Diaz to hand feed him popcorn.
MF: Yeah but he mouth-bobbled it like it was a routine grounder. [OK, he’s actually good at fielding routine grounders. And I’m a Yankees fan, what’s wrong with me.] There was something really gross about that scene.
bigdaddydrew: OH, it was repugnant.
bigdaddydrew: So, so horrible.
MF: Yeah, it was truly awful. I think it’s because I’m incapable of seeing him as a sexual being.
It’s incomprehensible to me that women are into him.
bigdaddydrew: Because you know he’s not a real person. He’s just a robot with a metal penis attached. So it alarms me when someone openly feeds a cyborg like that.
Anyway, Rodgers played great, but I dunno why we need to say it was the best EVER.
Better than Brees? Or Simms? Eh, no need to go bonkers.
He won and got the MVP and that’s enough.
MF: I find him less than inspiring on the microphone, too. He’s gonna have to up his post-game.
Though I do like how he kept making sly references to his team being “men of character.”
(Y’know, versus, “men of rape suspicion.”)
bigdaddydrew: Or men of penis photography.
Greg Jennings was even worse in the post-game.
MF: Are you serious? “It’s a great day to be great” is an all-time classic.
bigdaddydrew: I guess. After that, it was like watching The King’s Speech
MF: I HAVEN’T SEEN IT DON’T RUIN IT.
It must suck to be Ben Roethlisberger and know that everyone’s going to remember that sexual assault now. Versus if he’d won the game and “redeemed” himself.
bigdaddydrew: I know. When you win, God takes that rape away!
bigdaddydrew: It’s in the Bible rules!
MF: The sad part is, it’s true. The media (of which I am pretending not to be a part for the purposes of this discussion) would’ve produced all of these gauzy stories about “his journey” and “overcoming adversity” and “what he’s been through.” I can see the Sunday Conversation now.
bigdaddydrew: I know. In Dick Ebersol’s hands, that storyline would have been even more heavy handed. CAN BEN LEARN TO LOVE?
GO TO SOFT FOCUS! SOFTER FOCUS!
He grew a beard! Don’t you see how tortured he is?!
MF: And then he shaved it right after the game! Shedding all the disappointments and missteps of the previous year!
Can we talk about patriotism for a second? When did the Super Bowl become July 4th and a 9/11 memorial all rolled into one?
The pregame montage of players in different parts of the country, reading the Declaration of Independence with kids and nurses and stuff behind them?
bigdaddydrew: I missed that, but that sounds like something a FOX executive would plan.
“Don’t forget! America is fucking sweet!”
MF: Two questions before I let you go:
MF: 1) Think there’ll be a lockout?
2) Wtf sport are we gonna talk about on Mondays now? Basketball??
bigdaddydrew: 1. I think there will probably be a work stoppage. And since I’m a pessimist when it comes to owners being complete assholes, I bet it goes through September or October.
2. Basketball. Hating Duke is easy to do for months at a time.