Monday Morning Sports Rant: January 24, 2011
Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary, of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about the weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
Jbrukman: So how legendary does Caleb Hanie’s mustache become if he wins that game?
Bigdaddydrew: I know! It was awesome! We should make him an honorary sex offender.
I think Jay Cutler is at home right now trying to figure out how to tear his own ACL to make the MRI results turn in his favor.
Because if that’s just a sprain…DAGGER.
Jbrukman: I can’t imagine two more physically unimpressive QBs than Jay Cutler or Todd Collins. One has no chin; the other looks like his jersey is four sizes too big.
Bigdaddydrew: I was at Michigan the same time as Todd Collins. I was there when he got beat by Kordell Stewart on the Hail Mary. I think it’s amazing he’s still in the NFL. Like certain QB’s manage to hang around for 15 years because… well,just because. They seem nice, I guess.
But like I said, Cutler’s gonna have to work hard to shake the pussy label, even if he was completely justified in leaving. He says they “Kinda pulled” him, which is like saying “Eh, I didn’t really feel like coming up with an excuse”
Jbrukman: Yeah, it really looked like his heart was in it when he was slowly peddling that warm-up bike while wearing one of this huge thermal igloo jackets
Bigdaddydrew: I know!
I think that’s why people got pissed. He looked like he was trying to get out of a test. “I like, have cancer and stuff.”
Jbrukman: “I should probably check my blood sugar. I mean, the knee. Yeah, right. That’s bad too, you know”
Bigdaddydrew: “Tomlinson says riding this bike is like real hard”
me: I actually feel bad for Jay. I mean, as bad as anybody can feel for someone with a bed of money and beautiful women. Sports need villains. And he’d be a good one, if he could just stop sucking, because he’s such an unrepentant douche.
Which is kinda perfect
Jbrukman: I was pretty shocked that Aaron Rodgers appeared non-concussed after that hit in…I think it was the third quarter
Bigdaddydrew: He probably was.
I think QB’s get concussed at least 17 times a game. But all you notice are the REALLY naughty ones. If I played QB, I’d get concussed just reading the play.
“85 split right Z wide double cross HEAD ASPLODEEEE.”
Jbrukman: So the NFL can’t be too depressed at the idea of a Packer/Steeler Super Bowl. Seems better than Bears/Steelers, at least
Bigdaddydrew: I think so. You have the two biggest bandwagon franchises in the sport.
FATTEST DEMO EVER.
Opening line is Packers by 2 by the way. I can’t remember the last time a Super Bowl was this seemingly evenly matched.
Which means someone will win by 30.
Jbrukman: The Packers couldn’t put away Chicago on its third-string, Megan’s law QB. It seems weird to give them the edge against the Steelers and their confirmed sexual assaulter.
Big:daddydrew: Yeah, there was a reason that team went 10-6, and it’s not just because Mike McCarthy would happily punt from within 36 yards of the opposing end zone on 2nd down if he could.
That game may as well have been called “Who’s the bigger pussy?”
Jbrukman: Speaking of bigger pussies (transition, smooth), can teams just stop using Tomlinson in the playoffs now?
Green was doing just fine then you pull him at the goal line. I don’t get it
Big: Well he was okay the past two weeks.
He must have remembered who he was.
Jbrukman: That’s true. All the Jets’ play-calling seemed weird. But I guess they’re blaming it on headset issues now.
Bigdaddydrew: Yes but all play-calling seems weird when James Harrison is busy swallowing you whole.
Jbrukman: I can’t remember who it who…but I definitely saw a piece of someone’s helmet come flying off in one helmet-to-helmet hit that game. Very satisfying..
Big: That’s always good concussin’.
Plus there were wiped boogers. I love a good wiped booger.
Here, you have this.
Jbrukman: I love that it was in the middle of a conversation while Brunell had his head down. “What’s that Mark? Yeah cover two. Right. You’re so right! Let me stroke your chest to show you how right I think you are.”
Bigdaddydrew: That’s a great move. I like wiping boogers places and thinking no one is watching when in fact everyone is watching. Someone my mind manages to convince me I’m good to go.
Jbrukman: You’d think that’s part of their media training now—”Do not do anything but look on the field in concentration. Do not eat a hot dog. Do not wipe boogers on your teammates.”
Bigdaddydrew: “Do not itch your butt.”
“Do not mouth the word ‘CUNTWILLOW.’ We can see that.”
Jbrukman: Were you disappointed that there won’t be anymore Bart Scott post-games?
Bigdaddydrew: I am. Now we’re going to get two weeks of Big Ben’s Big Rape Retrospective
“Hey, remember when he was all rapey and stuff? TONIGHT A TALE OF REDEMPTION. HE’S NOT AS BAD AS JAY CUTLER.”
Jbrukman: And, of course, Aaron Rodgers coming out of the shadow of Brett Favre. That narrative should be aslam dunk.
Bigdaddydrew: Totally boring.
Sucks to have classy franchises in there.