Monday Morning Sports Rant

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary, of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about the weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary, of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, about the weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

MaximMaria: Mornin’! Can you believe I’m a Gchat virgin? 

Indeed I cannot. Let’s roll. I assume we’re about the Giants this morning 

MaximMaria: I, personally, am about cursing the Giants this morning, yes. 

bigdaddydrew: I’m still speechless. The worst part was Matt Dodge trying to tackle DeSean Jackson, failing, and then just lying there on the turf. He knew, the second he missed that tackle, that his life was basically over. So he’s was just like, “If I lie down here and never get up, Coughlin can’t run up to me and stick a chainsaw up my ass.” It was incredible to watch. 

bigdaddydrew: Then there was Jackson running along the goal line to taunt the Giants with a giant right there in the end zone who easily could have stripped the ball away had he been closer. DeSean always fucks around with the ball right at the goal line. That must have been the longest two seconds of every Eagles fan’s life right there. Nothing good can happen from that 

MaximMaria: Yeah I thought he was gonna start doing the Jets’ “jet” thing, where they fly around like dickheads, just to really insult the Giants. But I guess scoring the TD was insulting enough. 

bigdaddydrew: I was floored by Vick in that comeback. It was basically just him going, “Oh, well I guess I should run for a zillion yards now.” I think the reason Vick is so popular among NFL players is because they KNOW that the athletic difference between him and them is mind-bogglingly pronounced. 

Agreed. Though Tuck seemed to kind of have his number in the first half…no? Or is that just what remains of the fan in me talking? Hey, remember the first half? When the Giants led by three touchdowns? 

bigdaddydrew: Oh, are you a Giants fan? My apologies. But you did win a title three years ago, so screw you. /Vikings fan Anyway, Tuck having his number in the first half is what made the second half so amazing Because Vick was just like, “Well, can’t have that anymore.” And off he went 

MaximMaria: For the record, even that SB win felt like something that happened to us, not something we did. 

Yeah but you won it I would want that to “happen” to me 

MaximMaria: Fair enough. So let’s move on from this game before I jam a pencil through my eye talking about how awesome Vick is. Who the hell was that kid throwing the ball for Green Bay? 

I guess that would be more of a cool story if they had gone and won that game. I 

wonder what happens to Mike “The Beav” McCarthy if the Pack miss the playoffs. Because everyone picked them in the preseason, and you can’t go making everyone look stupid like that. 

MaximMaria: Yeah, we (as in, we genius football analysts here in the Maxim offices) totally thought this was gonna be Aaron Rodgers’ year. I’m not interested in Tom Brady as MVP. I hope that doesn’t happen. Despite his numbers. 

bigdaddydrew: That’s happening. It’s a mortal lock, though I dunno where the phrase “mortal lock” came from. Seems an awfully severe term for locking mechanisms. I am making a sandwich today. MORTAL. LOCK. 

That better be one good sandwich. Has a bigger deal ever been made of anything on a football field than Dan Connolly’s INT and, what was it, 70-yard run? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love seeing a big fat white guy run—pretty fast, actually! But did I need to watch it 20 times? 

bigdaddydrew: That happens when you’re a white player playing for New England. FOLK HERO! I COULD FACKIN’ BE THAT GUY! 

Hahaha. You’re right. Must be the same with Welker. “Hey, I’m also 5’8″ and kind of annoying! Could I play in the NFL?” (Danny Woodhead…) 

bigdaddydrew: Woodhead is the top-selling jersey in New England right now. No lie. JUST LIKE KEVIN FAULK’S WAS, AM I RIGHT?! 

MaximMaria: Man, it’s so easy and fun to hate people from Boston. Alright, so: What were the biggest surprises this weekend in your mind? (Doesn’t have to be NFL…And we don’t necessarily have to bring up again the Giants’ punter punting directly to the most dangerous return man in the league…) 

bigdaddydrew: I guess the Brewers landing Zack Greinke is something surprising, mostly because it’s December and the idea of anyone bringing up the Brewers in December violates the space-time continuum. I didn’t know the Brewers existed as an entity during the offseason. I thought there was just an empty paper mill with the team logo on it that stayed vacant until Bud Selig drove his Datsun up to it in May. Oh, and Geno Auriemma is a dipshit. You aren’t breaking a men’s record. It’s like saying you broke a cross country skiing record. Different sports, fella. 

MaximMaria: I have one more question that is only tangentially related to sports, but: Why hasn’t anyone talked to Michael Jordan about the Hitler mustache he’s sporting in those Hanes commercials? Most of all, Hanes? Does he think that the soul patch cancels out the Hitlerishness? Because that only adds to the offensiveness in my mind. 

bigdaddydrew: Because any time you disagree with Michael Jordan, he sticks a lit cigar in your arm and calls you a slur 50,000 times. Ask Kwame.