The Next List: Sports

Sportstradamus Sees All!

Deadspin’s Drew “Balls Deep” Magary gazes into his crystal ball and offers six 2011 sports predictions that will prove completely and utterly correct.

Predictions: You hate them, and with good reason. Often they are written by Rick Reilly for optimum wackiness (Tiger Woods will make Hugh Hefner his new “swinging” coach? GOOD ONE, RICKSTER). But even more often they are breathtakingly incorrect. I remember when one predictor said Carolina was a lock for winning the Super Bowl, and it turned out to be a BRAZEN AND UNTRUE LIE. A piece of my soul died that year. 

So the following predictions have been made with very careful regard for accuracy. If any of these predictions prove wrong, I will run naked around my block. Joke’s on you, because I predict my penis will grow three inches this year.

1. You will lose money gambling on sports when you totally expected to win.

Yes, I know: You think you have Vegas all figured out. You have a carefully constructed system

of 32 gambling laws that gives you a 51 percent edge over the sports books, and this is the year you collect. Then you will open a Bodog account using your girlfriend’s Visa card, which she won’t like. But she’ll totally get over that when you are FUCKING RICH and she’s wearing mink underwear. Then you will lose, and she will leave you for a restaurateur, and you will move back in with your parents and kill yourself within a year. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

2. Boston Red Sox fans will continue to be the most insufferable group of assholes on the planet.

“I’m worried about John Lackey. His fielding for us last year was UNACCEPTABLE,” a Red Sox fan will say to you, even though you are not a fan of the team, or of baseball in general. You won’t even know him or his chubby girlfriend in the pink Sox hat. But you will hope he fucking DIES.

3. Your girlfriend will feign an interest in your favorite team in a show of support, but that will only annoy you.

It was much better when she openly disdained your love of sports. You can tell when girls are straining to follow your team but don’t have their heart in it. It’s the same look you see in virtually every Bang Bus video.

4. You will not win your fantasy league. And even if you do, our only reward will be everyone else thinking you’re a smug asshole.

Because you are. Look at you, grinning right now. It’s like you can’t help being such an arrogant turd. JUST BECAUSE YOU GRABBED ARIAN FOSTER IN THE EIGHTH ROUND DOES NOT MAKE YOU KING OF THE WORLD, FUCKTASTER.

5. If the NFL locks out its players, you will go on a nine-state killing spree.

I know I will. If you’re telling me there’s a distinct possibility I can’t watch football in September and may have to resort to watching regular-season baseball, I’ll happily set up shop near a gas station, my sniper rifle ready to pick off innocent bystanders one by one.

6. Brett Favre will die.

Really, this is just wishful thinking. But all it takes is one fair Maxim reader and some arsenic to make it happen!