The Next List: Television

How The World Champion would fix TV.

We spoke with The World Champion, Judah Friedlander, whom you may know as Frank from 30 Rock, and found out how to save the tube.

Why is TV viewership down?

There’s not enough time in the day to watch every episode of every show. Scientists need to focus more energy on developing technology for implanting television sets into the human body. Now more than ever we need live streaming of TV shows into our brains while we sleep. We’re getting our brains rotted by TV while we’re awake—we need to make that same commitment when we’re asleep.

Should NBC consider a 30 Rock spin-off featuring Frank?

Excellent question: Yes. The spin-off should be Frank Gets Laid Again. The opening montage would be slow-motion footage of me getting laid with all kinds of different women. Each episode would start with me having two dates in one night, and the issue is: How is Frank going to pull it off? And then every show gets resolved with me having a three-way with both girls. And every show ends with a teary-eyed moralistic speech about the importance of sharing. (On a side note, just to clarify: I was the only 30 Rock cast member who was asked to be in the 30 Rock—A XXX Parody porno DVD. I would’ve done it, but I’m still banned from acting in pornographic films internationally because my dick is too big.)   

There are approximately eight shows about cake companies on TV. Should there be more?

Yes, America needs to get even fatter before we can realize that maybe we have a problem. Not until all our newscasters, actresses, and supermodels are 50 pounds overweight will we realize we have to get in shape. Obesity is a serious issue. That’s why I recommend everyone buy my book, How to Beat Up Anybody, and read my chapter on nutrition called “Eating.”

Propose a blockbuster reality TV show.

Dumps of the Real Housewives of… Hidden cameras are placed in the toilets where all the real housewives live. There is no music. No voice-over. Just text on-screen that informs the viewer which shit belongs to which housewife.

How can sports be shown in a more exciting way?

As The World Champion, I am the greatest athlete in the world. So I know what I’m talking about. I’d like to point out that we have cameras following female reporters into male athletes’ locker rooms. That’s fine. But we also need cameras following male athletes into female reporters’ dressing rooms. “Fair is fair”—to quote the best girl-power movie ever made, The Legend of Billie Jean.