Nick Swardson Talks About His Last Day

The knucklehead from 30 Minutes or Less and Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star gets serious on his final day.

The knucklehead from 30 Minutes or Less and Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star gets serious on his final day.

So how do you want to go?

A heart attack at the Malibu’s Most Wanted 8 premiere.

What woman did you always want to sleep with?

Elton John.

In 30 Minutes or Less you play a bank robber. If you successfully pulled off a heist, what would you spend

the money on in your final hours?

A thousand 5-Hour Energys and a ticket to Hawaii.

In Grandma’s Boy you hook up with an old lady. Are there any hookups in your life you regret?

All the ones I did sober.

You were creepily obsessed with Jon Heder’s character in Blades of Glory. Is there anyone you have been creepily obsessed with in real life?

Dan Patrick. I want to wear his farts to Christmas dinner.

Got any last words?

“Are we human or are we dancer?”

What’s your last meal?

Cocaine burger.

How many hours of your life did you spend viewing pornography?

26 hours a day, eight days a week.

Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?

No, but there’s a dude on Saturn that I plan on royally fucking up.

What porn-star name would you like emblazoned on your tombstone?

Alan Thicke.

What will your character Gay Robot say over your casket?

Nothing, ’cause I do his voice and I am dead. He will just shed an oil-semen tear.

In Bucky Larson you discover your parents were famous porn stars in the ’70s. What’s the most exciting thing your kids could find out about you?

That I was a porn star back in the ’70s—the 1470s. It was just me and Native Americans scalping our pubes off and humping buffalo.

If you go out with that sketchy mustache you have in the movie, do you think there’s any chance of being let through heaven’s pearly gates?

I haven’t seen a lot of old cathedral pictures of angels with mustaches, so I am screwed. But maybe I will start a new mustache heaven for me and Magnum, P.I.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

I invented murder. Oops.

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