The “Noah” Movie Poster Looks Completely Insane

Here’s our guess as to what the script looks like.

The poster for Noah – the new biblical epic from Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky – has just been released, and… It. Is. Amazing. Traditionally, Noah is depicted as a benevolent old man with a staff, herding cute animals into his ark, but for some reason, Noah is now a bearded, shaven-headed Russell Crowe, carrying an axe and looking like he wants to murder everything. We have a sneaking suspicion that this might be one of those Aronofsky movies that slips into “unintentionally hilarious” territory, so we’ve taken the liberty of guessing how a few key scenes from this movie are going to play out.

SCENE 5 – EXT. MOUNTAIN

Noah stands in silhouette against a lightning storm – a tree next to him gets split in two and bursts into flame. Noah doesn’t even flinch. Suddenly, a booming voice echoes forth from the heavens.

GOD

Noah! Noah, it is I, God!

NOAH

S’up.

GOD

I have decided that all people except you are wicked, and not in the Boston sense of the word. I shall destroy them with a flood, and you must build an ark to save yourself and all the animals.

NOAH

Cool. And I get to just beat the living shit out of anyone who tries to stop me, right?

GOD

That is corre – wait, what? No! Just build an ark. No one’s going to try and stop you.

NOAH

Pretty sure they’re going to try and stop me. And I’m going to make them pay.

GOD

Noah, no one’s going to try and stop you. No one else even knows about this.

NOAH

[whispering]

I’ll make them all pay.

GOD

Goddamnit.

SCENE 14 – EXT. NOAH’S HOUSE

Noah is halfway through building the ark – it is enormous, and its front is covered in long wooden spikes. Several of them have skulls on them.  Noah looks crazy intense as he hacks another log apart with his trusty axe. Suddenly, one of his neighbors arrives.

NEIGHBOR

Hey Noah, what are you up to? You building something?

NOAH

[growling]

This is none of your concern, heathen.

NEIGHBOR

Fair enough. Look, I just wanted to ask if you could keep it down a bit? My wife and I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I mean, we can live with the sawing and hammering and stuff, but the part where you keep screaming repeatedly about punishing the unjust while kicking down trees with your bare feet, that was just –

NOAH

Back! Back, I say! You shall never board my ark!

NEIGHBOR

[backing slowly away]

Look, I don’t want any trouble, I just –

NOAH

This ark is not for the likes of you, sinner!

Noah charges the man and hacks one of his arms clean off with his axe.

NEIGHBOR

What the hell is wrong with you? I only came ’round to borrow a spoon…

NOAH

Gnyaarghh!

Noah dropkicks the man through the side of his house.

NEIGHBOR

[as he disintegrates]

Whhhhyyyyyyy??

NOAH

It is the Lord’s work I do!

GOD

Goddamnit.

SCENE 32 – EXT. NOAH’S HOUSE

The yard is filled with animals, as far as the eye can see. Noah is attempting to herd them on to the ark, but is struggling. Two sheep squeeze onboard, and a third runs up after them. Noah gives it a hammer-punch between the eyes and its brain explodes through its ears.

NOAH

I said two by two, motherfucker.

He picks up the corpse and hurls it off the side of the boat, where there is already a surprisingly large pile of dead animals.

NOAH

OK, who’s next?

GOD

Hey Noah, how’s the ark going?

NOAH

Pretty good.

GOD

Great. Hey, quick question, have you seen the dinosaurs anywhere?

NOAH

The what?

GOD

Dinosaurs. Big things, scaly, lots of teeth. Rrawrrr, etc.

NOAH

Sort of like really big lizards?

GOD

That’s the fellas.

NOAH

Ah. Yeah, we had a bit of a disagreement and, uh, they didn’t quite make it onto the ark.

GOD

What?

NOAH

Yeah. Pretty sure they were sinners, though, so, you know.

GOD

Noah, are you telling me you just wiped out the dinosaurs?

NOAH

I guess?

GOD

But there were 88,000 distinct species! And you had two of each!

NOAH

No biggie, just send some more over.

GOD

I can’t send more over! That was the last of them! You have just single handedly made the dinosaurs go extinct!

NOAH

Oh come on, there must be more. Next you’ll be saying there aren’t any more flying horses or three-headed sea dragons left, either.

GOD

…Goddamnit.

SCENE 54 – THE VILLAGE

The flood waters come crashing down the mountain and engulf the village, as Noah’s ark rises up on the tide. A lone albatross, which seems to have survived, attempts to escape the deluge: Noah uppercuts it so hard that it shoots off into space.

GOD

And now, sinners, your time is at hand! I, the Almighty, have come to cleanse this land of…hang on, why is everyone already dead? What is the point of me creating a humanity-ending flood if everyone’s already been killed? Who did this? And why do all the dead people have axe-shaped holes in their faces?

Noah hides his axe behind his back and whistles innocently.

GOD

Goddamnit.