This Guy Tried Really Hard To Use A Drawing of a Penis As His Signature

REALLY hard.

Jared Hyams of Melbourne, Australia, jokingly drew a penis in the signature box of an application to change his registered address. A dick in a box, get it? I get it. But shit got real when nobody else got it.

The Australian Electoral Commission shut Hyams down when they (naturally…?) rejected his application, then dismissed his appeal to overturn that decision because it was “frivolous and vexatious.”

“I thought it would be a laugh; they would approve it and next year I would sign something different,” he said to the Sydney Morning Herald. “I was receiving letters and phone calls telling me I couldn’t have it. I thought, that’s interesting, why not?”

So he did what any of us would do. He made the penis-signature his own, and started going to law school so he could prove his point and draw dicks on every legal document he could get his hands on. And thus, a five-year legal battle over signatures and dicks was born.

“What a signature is comes down to the function, not the actual form,” Hyams continued. “Generally, it’s a person putting a mark on a piece of paper by their own hand. As soon as you start defining what a signature is you run into problems — if it’s meant to be someone’s name how do we define that because most signatures are just illegible scribble.”

Defying the state and government agencies, Hyams used his penis-signature to open a bank account, get a library card, and sign his government-issued health care card, driver’s license, proof of age ID, and a couple student ID cards. Dicks everywhere.

But one of his law professors refused to grade his exam because he signed the plagiarism declaration form with a dick, and the Department of Trade and Foreign Affairs rejected his application for a passport, because apparently signing official paperwork with images of a sexual nature “could constitute sexual harassment” of government staff.

“It’s been an interesting journey,” He said. “But none of it is resolved. Everything is just left hanging.”

More like dangling. You do you, Jared. A for effort.