I believe that prank calling is a lost art. I’m not talking any of that weak “is your refrigerator running” child's play bullshit. I mean elaborate, well-planned prank calls that persist and unfold strategically over months at a time.
Back in college, my good friend and roommate worked at a small, pretentious arthouse movie theater. I took it upon myself to call the theater when she was working to ask them what time they were showing Bride Wars, the 2009 romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as best friends who battle it out when they realize they want to get married in the same venue on the same day. (I cannot stress enough how amused I was with myself then, and also every waking moment of every day.) Bride Wars is a shitty movie, but every time I’d call the theater, they would without fail put me on hold and check in on it, then come back and tell me that Bride Wars wasn’t playing that day. Duh, Bride Wars would never play there because some dark foreign film like The White Ribbon would be bumming everyone out instead. So I stepped it up. I started calling and asking them what time the special screening of Bride Wars would be that night. I asked when Anne Hathaway would be showing up to lecture to the audience. I was drunk with power. (And also, very often, just drunk.)
All good things have to come to an end, and end they did when one of the managers picked up the other line one fateful day and said, “Gaby, we know it’s you. Please stop calling here.” In an instant, my prank calling glory days were over. But lo and behold, much like Michael Jordan in Space Jam, today I was inspired to pick up a basketball (basketball = phone, keep up people) and get back into the prank calling game.
Fans have been calling her, and she’s been picking up to chat, .
Fuck, man. I knew what I need to do. I needed to prank call Lana Del Rey.
Sep 23, 2015 at 2:07pm PDT
So I tried. And tried. And tried. But apparently Lana has a life, and doesn’t sit on the phone all day waiting for bloggers to prank call her. You should absolutely not let my failure hold you back from trying this out yourself.
Even if you don’t get Lana on the line, you’ll get to hear her voicemail message, which is her reciting the T.S. Eliot poem, "Burnt Norton." She also gives a variety of options, like “Press 1 to hear ‘Terrence Loves You.’ Press 2 to hear ‘Honeymoon.’ Press 3 to hear my favorite lecture, ‘Origins of the Universe’ from leading physicist and cosmologist Lawrence Krauss. Press 4 to hear my favorite TED Talk from entrepreneur Elon Musk.”
It was at that fourth suggestion that my head exploded, and so I must leave you now. Remember: 1-800-268-7886. Make prank calling great again.
Photos by Shirlaine Forrest / WireImage