Presidents Who Could Use Badass Movies

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is a fun idea, but why waste it on an already great commander-in-chief?

Eric Alt

Jun 19, 2012

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is a fun idea, but why waste it on an already great commander-in-chief?

Clearly no one can process anything that doesn’t involve vampires anymore, so they’ve gone and made American history more easily understandable with the upcoming Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. But we ask: Why waste this retroactive badassery on a president who was already pretty badass? If you’re going to Michael Bay the facts, go hog wild and take the opportunity to empower a president whose story could use a little sprucing up. Here are some former leaders of the free world who could use that extra boost (and, well, Teddy Roosevelt, who can never be too badass).

Tango & Taft

Tagline: “A tough L.A. cop who plays it by the book. A reform-minded Republican who lowers tariffs first, asks questions later. Together they have to stop a ruthless criminal…if they don’t kill each other first.”

Teddy Roosevelt: Agent of SHIELD

Tagline: “Speak softly, and carry a fully-armed NF-3000 flechette-firing handgun.”

J.Q.A.: Rise of Cobra

Tagline: “When all other foreign policy efforts fail, he doesn’t.”

2 Fillmore 2 Furious

Tagline: “This summer, get ready to Whig out.”

Die Harding

Tagline: “All Warren Harding wanted was a return to normalcy. But corrupt cabinet members with greasy palms have other plans. Now, he’s alone. He’s tired. And he’s the only hope we have.”

Jimmy Carter on Mars

Tagline: “Ineffectual in our world. Found in another.”

The Polk Identity

Tagline: “Napoleon of the stump? Young Hickory? James K. Polk is out to find out who betrayed him, just as soon as he figures out who he is.”

Lone Wolf McKinley

Tagline: “Spain won’t let Cuba have its independence. Big mistake.”

Chester A. Arthur vs. Predator

Tagline: “Earth won’t be getting a second term.”

Posters created by Marta Berkolayko.