Pro Football Hall of Fame Sports Rant
Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.
maxim: I’m going to admit two things:
1) My head is spinning with the ongoing rush of football news, so I stopped paying attention to free agent signings and contract holdouts and all that.
Bigdaddydrew: I think the storm is pretty much over.
All the major players have moved.
And Kyle Orton isn’t gonna be traded now, so virtually every QB situation is settled.
Which is horrible if you like the Redskins or Seahawks, but no matter.
Basically, it’s okay to start thinking about fantasy now.
You can start making a draft board without freaking out about some major move.
maxim: Now I’m just paying attention to how many guys are racking up season-ending injuries.
Like the Giants’ Amukamara breaking his foot.
Bigdaddydrew: The Amukamara injury was brutal.
Because he was gonna be really really good.
I was shocked he didn’t get drafted top 10.
And that’s so typical of the draft.
I also thought Nick Fairley would crush everything in his path, and he too is already injured.
You’re right. Keeping track of who’s hurt is gonna be a bitch.
maxim: Here’s the second thing I’m going to admit: I watched the ENTIRE Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony.
Bigdaddydrew: Wow, really?
I never watch that shit.
maxim: Yes. Yes, I did. Yes, it was on a Saturday night. And yes, it was emceed by Chris Berman. And yes, it was three hours long.
Bigdaddydrew: Hearing football players give speeches is worse than hearing actors give speeches.
maxim: Oh my God, so much worse.
Bigdaddydrew: Anything emceed by Berman is bound to be horrid.
I hate that Berman is now a permanent part of the football establishment.
Like it’s just accepted that he’ll be there and shit all over the proceedings.
“Before we get to the speeches, let’s watch some highlights of my Swami routine!”
maxim: Well they gave him an award last year! Not on par with induction, but still, close enough that we should be afraid.
Bigdaddydrew: It’s awful.
Also, that ceremony wasn’t legit, BECAUSE CRIS CARTER SHOULD HAVE BEEN INDUCTED TWO CYCYLES AGO FUCK.
maxim: Yeah, is he just not liked or something?
Bigdaddydrew: I’ll recuse myself due to homerism, but it’s a fucking joke.
Anyway, I heard Marshall Faulk went on for like half an hour.
maxim: He did. He apologized at one point if he had “rubbed anyone the wrong way” in the various locker rooms he’d been in.
He also has a Joker thing with his face, I noticed. When he smiles.
Bigdaddydrew: Psycho dimpling?
maxim: Yeah, he has, like, extra lines that extend from the corners of his mouth. It made him look evil.
Bigdaddydrew: Well, he is if he went on that long.
And no HOF game!
I count on that game to show me the crucial three seconds of speech clips.
That’s the best way to absorb the HOF ceremony.
maxim: It’s so true. I’d never watched it before and quickly realized that aside from the five seconds where someone tears up and thanks their momma, or the armed forces, or their pop warner coach, there’s nothing to see.
It must be some kind of emotional porn only women watch because ESPN kept running eHarmony ads.
Bigdaddydrew: eHarmony is for widows.
It’s where you go when your spouse dies and you need a new one quickly because you don’t know how to sort laundry.
Anyway, yeah the HOF ceremony is worthless because it’s only for the enshrinees to enjoy and not you.
It’s the greatest day of Shannon Sharpe’s life, but if you aren’t Shannon Sharpe, you probably aren’t going to give a shit.
It’s like being forced to look at pictures of someone’s vacation.
maxim: It could be good for one thing: getting drunk. Next year, everyone should watch it and drink every time someone says the word “dream.”
You’re WASTED by hour two.
Bigdaddydrew: I bet.
It’s like the world’s lamest word cloud.
maxim: Speaking of emotional porn and honor, pride, and greatness: Week one of this NFL season has NY vs. Washington on 9-11. The tenth anniversary of.
I can’t begin to imagine how many eagles and fighter jets and children reading the Constitution and 17 versions of the national anthem, etc., FOX is going to bust out for that.
Pity the game itself will also be tragic.
maxim: Another thing I watched this weekend: The big, dumb baseball fight between Philly and San Francisco. Is there anything dumber than a baseball fight?
Bigdaddydrew: They should play Nickelback every time one happens.
DURRRR I’M PROTECTIN’ MAH BOY! DURRRR!
/runs out of dugout
/doesn’t actually do anything
maxim: They’re seriously stupid. I love that the pitcher has to look angry after he plunks someone and that dude starts to fake-charge him. And then it’s some other dude’s job to start a little side-brawl on the outskirts of the main pile.
Oh, and Tiger sucked in Akron. Thus continuing to prove your theory that he will never be good again.
What a weekend!
GOD, FOOTBALL, PLEASE HURRY UP.
Bigdaddydrew: Preseason starts next week!
Very excited to see whose ankle snaps next.
maxim: Oh hey–thoughts on the A-Rod poker kerfuffle? Seems now that MLB will not suspend him.
Bigdaddydrew: Shouldn’t he be suspended for being a decade behind on the poker craze?
So typical of A-Rod.
“Guys, we’re gonna play Tex Hold ‘Em and wear sunglasses at the table. It’ll be so badass.”
Just replace Topher Grace with him in Ocean’s 11 and everything makes perfect sense.