Rainn Wilson on the Great Gig in the Sky
The quirky star of The Office and new movie The Rocker shares how he wants to go out: Being torn apart by polar bears.
So how do you want to go?
I want to be torn apart by a wild animal. Choice number one would be a polar bear. Then a mountain lion, wildebeest, rhinoceros, and hippopotamus. In that order.
Are you going to heaven or hell?
I am going to the next world of creation in a limitless series of worlds. Just like the baby in the womb has no idea what this world could possibly be like, that’s what the next world is.
What song plays in that world?
A mix of everything by Radiohead, Wilco, and Bob Dylan. I could handle that for eternity.
Is there one dream you wish you’d never given up on?
In high school I was in the worst band ever, Collected Moss. It soured me on the whole rock band experience. I was a terrible singer, but I could sing loud. I should have stuck with it.
Any roles you regret turning down?
Well, I was offered the lead in Risky Business but was uncomfortable dancing in my underwear. The rest is history.
Which Office costar should you have beaten down while you had the chance?
On the first day I should have put Steve Carell in a dog collar and urinated on his head, because now he’s just out of control.
If your Office character, Dwight, planned your funeral, what would it be like?
Dwight would use a Norse mythology–themed funeral. He would burn my body on a raised dais, and there’d be people blowing horns and smearing themselves in lard.
Do you want to be buried with anything?
My iPhone and bobblehead and Martin guitar —in my Prius.
What’s one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again?
Go to junior high.
What longstanding lie do you want to come clean about?
I wasn’t really a geek in high school. I was actually prom king. I just realized that I could cash in with the whole geek thing. It’s all been a gigantic lie, America!
Any last words?
“I can feed this polar bear. He looks friendly.”
