Blow off your friends, break up with your girlfriend, tell your parents you’re dead — Saturday is a day for you, your TV, and a ridiculous number of highly watchable sporting events. But how’s a guy to prioritize? By listening to us, of course. Here’s your definitive ranking of Sportsmageddon’s sporting events. Let it guide your life.
7. Day Three of the NFL Draft
I’m not even sure this belongs on this list, but other people are mentioning it as a part of Saturday’s sports-travaganza and I’m nothing if not a conformist. So here it is, the most boring part of the most boring sporting “event” of the year. At least last year’s third day had a compelling human story. This years? Nothing. Only put it on if the stars align and everything else is at commercial at the same time.
6. Yankees at Red Sox
Even a game between the two most hyped baseball teams in the all the land can’t crack the top five must-watch events on Saturday. After all, it’s still May, a good five months before most casual fans begin caring about baseball. If this game does have something going for it, it’s two starters with a combined ERA of nearly 13. There will be runs.
5. World Golf Championships-Cadillac Match Play
Oh, you didn't’ know this was happening Saturday. Must not be a golf fan. Old white men across the country will let you have your bouncy round balls and punchy-punchy men, they’ll happily watch golfers play head-to-head matches in a bracket style competition. Saturday will see the round of 16 played out in the morning and the round of eight in the afternoon. Think of it as the all-dad version of the NCAA tournament.
4. Capitals at Rangers, Game 2
Here’s what I know about this series: the Rangers and Capitals have met in the Stanley Cup Playoffs five times in the last seven years. The villainous and toothless Alex Ovechkin plays for the Capitals. Because these two teams play in New York and Washington, more people care about this series than care about most NHL playoff series. Last night’s game was won by a last second goal. As pitiful as that is, I’d wager is more than 90 percent of America knows or even cares to know about the series. But this is still a playoff game, so it’s exponentially more watchable that everything before it on this list.
3. The Kentucky Derby
I’ll admit some bias here. I grew up in Louisville and appreciate the ceremony of the Derby better than those who just tune in for two minutes each May. Still, I can admit that the Derby is a bit of a supernova, burning hot, and bright before completely fading away. There is a way to enjoy the festivities beyond the race itself though, and it mostly involves Bourbon. If you really want to dive down the rabbit hole, slave over the stove cooking up some Kentucky burgoo and read this while it’s simmering. Or you’re looking for more of an infield experience, go roll around in the mud for a few hours.
2. Floyd Mayweather vs. Manny Pacquiao
As soon as this fight was announced, boxing fans began complaining. They doubted it would live up to the hype, and worse, they knew it would turn sports fans who hadn’t watched a fight in 10 years into armchair analysts. That’s the power of bringing together two names that are this widely known. Bitching about this fight is easy—both boxers are well past their prime, Mayweather is a repugnant excuse for a human being, it’s going to be outrageously expensive—but you can bet the purse that every sports fan will be interested in the outcome. And then we’ll all happily go back to ignoring boxing.
1. Spurs at Clippers, Game 7
It might only be the first round, but this series has produced some championship level basketball. Close games, big shots, overtime, Big Baby hulking out, Pop being Pop—this series has had it all! Tomorrow night it returns to L.A. for what will be the final game of the season for one of these teams. Billy Crystal will be in attendance. The atmosphere will be electric. And one will win the honor of playing the Rockets and fighting for a chance to lose to the Warriors in the Western Conference Finals. Watch it.
Photos by Getty