Russell Wilson and Ciara Will Finally Have Sex This Week

This is gonna be better than the Super Bowl.
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This is gonna be better than the Super Bowl.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson and his pop star girlfriend Ciara, America’s most prominent celibate celebrities, will finally have sex this week. The couple is reportedly getting married today in England, and with a ring on Ciara's finger, Wilson will finally be able to punch it in the end zone.

As Wilson explained last summer, God led him to Ciara and told him to take “all that extra stuff off the table” and do it “Jesus’ way.” She agreed and the couple have dry humped their way through the last year, struggling at times to abide by God's command and desperately counting down the days until they were released them from their prison.

In February, Ciara admitted that it's not easy to keep from jumping Wilson's bones. Wilson's public cornball compliments to Ciara show just how horny he is. The man can't even think straight. 

But now their long, sexless nightmare is nearly over. 

That’s good news for Wilson, in one obvious way. But it could be bad in another. According to a recently filed lawsuit, Ciara fears that her ex, the rapper Future, might kill Wilson. And that was before they were doing it. Now that Future knows Wilson is doing more than dating the mother of his two-year-old son, he might make good on his threat to "get that heat."

It's hard to imagine Wilson worrying about getting knocked off by Ciara's ex though. It's not even clear if he'll survive tonight.