Russia Eliminated from Olympic Hockey, Putin Probably Canceling Rest of Olympics

“If we don’t play, nobody plays.”

The Russian hockey team was dismissed from the quarterfinals this morning, getting downed 3-1 by the Finland national team, and then likely led to some sort of mass execution for bringing shame on Mother Russia. Finland is captained by the seasoned (by “seasoned” we mean super-old) veteran Teemu Selänne, who struck the killing blow at the end of the first period, showing the Ruskies to an early and extremely embarrassing exit from their own Olympics. 

Olympic pundits repeatedly said that medaling in hockey is the most important thing to the Russians, no matter where they stand in the actual medal count (which is first, at the moment). Russia hasn’t had its mittens on gold since 1992, when the “Unified Team” – a combination of some of the recently separated Soviet republics – finished off the Canadian men in France. Since then, they’ve claimed one silver and one bronze – neither of which they’ll be able to claim this year on home turf.

So now the world waits, and stares, but also does that thing where it looks like they are not staring because they are looking out the sides of their eyes – wondering what Russia’s reaction will be. And then maybe the world pretends to be texting but actually takes a quick photo. Until Putin notices and decides that the rest of the Olympics are completely canceled. Does Putin have the power to do that? Sure, you ever see that guy shirtless riding a bear? That’s real power. 

Photos by Bruce Bennett/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014