Seven Kinect Games They Ought To Make
Can we stop with the dancing games now? Please?
Microsoft is wasting the potential of the Kinect. Sure, the Xbox 360’s camera/game attachment has a bunch of dance games and fitness games, but those are for your mom and little sister. Where are the fun games? The games that don’t make us feel embarrassed, even when we’re waving their arms like a moron in front of the TV? They’re here, actually, because we just invented them.
It’s obvious why Microsoft doesn’t want to release a game designed to get people wasted, but they’d make so much money. A way to play beer pong without a ping pong table, without buying 800 ping pong balls, and without making a mess (other than small pools of vomit the next morning)? Every frat in America would buy a copy. And it would end up selling a lot more Xboxes and Kinects, too, because you know these guys will drunkenly break ‘em while playing at least 50% of the time, minimum.
The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
Really, you could use any Western movie here, but the Kinect needs a Western/showdown at high noon/quickdraw game. Form your hand into a gun and put it at your side, while your computer opponent does the same. Draw your “pistol” too soon and you’re a coward, draw too late and… well, you know. If we had to choose, we’d want to duel with Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach, but why not include gunmen from all the great Westerns? Unforgiven! High Noon! Tombstone! The Searchers! The Magnificent Seven! Man, sales of cowboy hats would skyrocket.
Lawn Darts were banned in America in 1988, since kids kept throwing them at each other. It’s a damn shame, since lawn darts is actually a great family game — and one the Kinect’s camera could easily interpret. But here’s the thing; if the opponents are CG anyways, why not keep the ability to throw them at children? Some dumb kid runs into the virtual lawn while you’re throwing? Throw it in his ear and get some extra points! Oh, come on, it’s still not as violent as Gears of War.
We have no idea how the Kinect could possibly understand all the motions necessary to recreate a normal wrestling match — maybe it would have to come with some kind of body pillow-thing for players to body slam and such — but tell us that being able to actually grapple with WWE stars wouldn’t be awesome. Lean back to run against the ropes! Leap twice to jump off the top rope! Really, even if the game was so-so, it would be worth it as long as the Kinect could accurately read our victory poses.
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
The Kinect has plenty of dance games already, but does it have a breakdancing game? No it does not, and it certainly doesn’t have one based on the critically acclaimed sequel to the seminal breakdancing movie Breakin’. Do you have the dance moves to save the local community recreation center from being demolished? Do you have any idea how breakdancing could possibly help save a rec center? We don’t, but we’d love to find out.
In the recent Star Wars Kinect game, there’s a mode where you play a Rancor rampaging through a city on Tatooine. It’s a poor version of what the Kinect really needs — a game where you get to stomp through Tokyo as Godzilla. If there’s one thing the Kinect was made for, it should be to pretend to backhand skyscrapers, use trains as nunchuks, and breath atomic fire on the pitiful human military that tries to stop us. Hell, we wouldn’t even need to fight any monsters — although if you wanted to include some, that’d be nice too.
Game of Thrones: The Smack Joffrey Game
Anyone who’s watched an episode of Game of Thrones knows that the best moments of the show are when Tyrion (played by Peter Dinklage), slaps the insufferably awful King Joffrey (played by a kid who is way too good at seeming like the worst person on Earth) for being a shit. Honestly, there wouldn’t need to be any other game modes; we just want to slap Joffrey over and over and over again. You don’t even need to give us any points for it. We guarantee every single GoT viewer would buy a Kinect solely for this game.
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