Shock News: Bacon Shortage Looming
Here are seven ways to cope if this bacon apocalypse comes to pass.
The economic instability in Europe (and the US government’s inability to vote on something as simple as what color the nation’s flag should be in the next fiscal year) have got a lot of financial experts quaking in their boots. Frankly, all of those fears and worries might have seemed cumbersome, but not insurmountable. Some sound economic sense that isn’t infected by the cold hand of political persuasion could see us through the hard times and return us to prosperity. Now, however, we’re very close to reaching Armageddon: we could be facing a bacon shortage next year.
Britain’s National Pig Association (motto: That’ll do, you tasty, tasty pig) announced that the cost of raising and producing pigs have skyrocketed and the selling price has started to shrink. If these trends continue, parts of the world could face a bacon and sausage shortage. Let’s say the unthinkable happens: After you pick yourself up off the floor from passing out over the very thought of living in a bacon-free world, read some of these tips that can help see you through a serious salted-meat shortage.
– Have you and your bacon cryogenically frozen so you can your bacon can be together in the future when the world has cured the bacon crisis.
– Write your congressman or woman and urge them to support more funding for the FDA’s “Soylent Bacon” research.
– Prevent your friends and relatives from eating your bacon stash by telling them its “turkey bacon”.
– Learn to like the taste of human flesh.
– Squeeze together all the bacon you have now to make you giant bacon strip you can eat for years.
– Brush up on your hand-to-hand combat skills for when your friends find out you’ve been hoarding bacon from them.
– Start looking for viable bacon alternatives. Our pick is Baconlube, a personal lubricant that smells and tastes like bacon. But then it would be, wouldn’t it?
Hungry? Want to start your tailgating preparations early? This should help you.
Want to see pictures of hot girls with food? We won’t judge.