Shock News: Deep-Fried Mars Bars “Unhealthy”

Who would have guessed?

Anyone with half a brain knows that dipping any kind of food in batter and frying it in boiling oil automatically makes it unhealthy. A carrot might be high in nutritional value, but deep frying it puts it on the same level as a “Lite Twinkie.” The kinds of people who don’t know that already are the reason we still have high health insurance costs, state fairs and portable defibrillators. The only edible substance that really makes sense to fry, other than potatoes, chicken and Lipitor tablets, is the candy bar – they’re already loaded with sugar and calories, so frying one is like strapping dynamite to a nuclear warhead: Fun, but ultimately unnecessary.

Ever since a famous fish and chip shop in Stonehaven claims they invented the deep-fried Mars bar, it’s practically become part of recognized Scottish cuisine (or what little was there to begin with). The makers of Mars bars, however, aren’t as proud of the idea: They actually sent a legal letter saying they don’t support the idea since it would “go against our commitment to promoting healthy, active lifestyles.” Yeah… because we all know that the best way to engage in a healthy, active lifestyle is to cram chocolate into your face. But the real point here is this: If you can’t figure out on your own that deep frying something that already carries as many calories as Chris Christie’s first dump of the day isn’t good for you, then you don’t deserve to be told. Sorry guys – survival of the fittest. Literally.