Shoot Yourself Now: The “Duck Dynasty” Guys Are Releasing A Christmas Album

So much for “joy to the world.”

Oh, hooray. The bearded dudes from that TV show about people who make duck calls are releasing a country music Christmas album, which pretty much combines three of the worst things in the world in one septic package. There’s no denying that Duck Dynasty has been a monster hit for A&E, so of course it makes sense to make as much money off them as possible before the next big sensation comes along – a dating show for lepers called Take My Heart (And One Of My Ears), perhaps – and everyone forgets who they are.

Called Duck The Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas, the album features original compositions, carols, and, worst of all, duck-themed takes on Christmas classics. Going by the title of the album, there will be puns aplenty, so here are a few suggestions to get them going. Guys, if you use any of these, you can leave the cash in the usual place – wadded up into a ball and stuffed behind the third urinal from the left in the men’s bathroom on the main concourse at Grand Central.

  • God Rest Ye Hairy Gentlemen
  • Quack! The Herald Angels Sing
  • Pluckin’ Around The Christmas Tree
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Or…It Might’ve Been Dad. It’s Hard To Tell With That Beard
  • Grandma Got Run Over By A Pickup Truck
  • Go Tell It On The Mountain Man
  • Crusty The Snowman
  • Here We Come A-Waddling
  • It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like A Horrible, Cheap Cash-In Attempt And We Should All Go Look At Something Else Now