Sons Of Anarchy’s Ten Most Depraved Moments
This show isn’t exactly Full House.
This show isn’t exactly Full House.
Over the last four seasons, our second favorite biker gang (Sunnydale Rest Home Rascal Brigade forever!) has got up to a lot of bad stuff. Here’s the worst of it. WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW
10. Gemma Gets Maternal
Photo Courtesy of FX
Shortly after Jax’s junky ex gives birth to his child, Gemma goes on the warpath, having discovered the girl was using while pregnant, nearly killing her grandchild. Her solution? Arranging a quick drug overdose while she’s still in the hospital. Between this and getting whacked by Silvio on The Sopranos, it seems like Drea de Matteo doesn’t have much luck with gangsters.
9. Juice Gets Sneaky
Photo Courtesy of FX
After cooperating with the Feds (booo, Juice, booo), our favorite Mohawk-wearer is forced to shoot the gang’s newest recruit just to cover his tracks. We had to do a similar thing with an intern here once. We got away with it, although the forensics team did say that it was “the most frenzied and brutal suicide they’d ever investigated”.
8. Clay Gets Snippy
Photo Courtesy of FX
Not content with viciously castrating a carnival performer who raped his friend’s daughter, Clay then uses the bloody knife to blackmail said friend into helping him out with future questionable “business ventures”. You have to love a show where the bad stuff starts with someone cutting off a clown’s nuts.
7. Chuck Gets Fingered
Chronic masturbation compulsion isn’t the easiest disorder to cure, although the gangsters who kidnapped SAMCRO’s in-house accountant/comic relief Chuck found an elegantly simple solution: cutting all his fingers off. It’s amazing how much money a pair of shears can save you in therapist’s bills.
6. Unser Gets Shifty
Photo Courtesy of FX
Wanting to cover up Clay’s involvement, the ever-unscrupulous Unser uses his police know-how to remove evidence from the scene of the crime. We’re guessing this guy is never asked to promote police recruitment drives.
5. Jax Gets Incestuous
Sure, Jax didn’t know that the attractive young woman he was about to boink in a stockroom was his till-then-unknown-to-him half-sister, but still – NO. Just no. Unless she’s really attractive and you’re drunk, in which case – ok, ok, just no.
4. Otto Gets Blinded
Photo Courtesy of FX
You can probably assume that guys in prison for gang activities including murder and drug running aren’t the nicest of people, but still – stabbing Otto in his one remaining good eye? That’s a dick move. At least Otto can take comfort in knowing his wife wasn’t murdered after blowing his best friend and – oh, wait. Sorry, Otto.
3. Gemma Gets Feisty
There are several ways you can deal with infidelity in a relationship. You could get couples counseling, or you could undergo a trial separation. Or, if you’re Gemma, you could run into the latest skank Clay’s been sticking it to and instinctively smash her face to pieces with a skateboard. God, we love Gemma.
2. Tig Gets Confused
Believing Opie to be a rat (fuck you, Agent Stahl!) Clay gives Tig the order to kill him. Unfortunately, Opie’s wife Donna is at the wheel of Opie’s truck when Tig pulls alongside and opens fire. It was two whole seasons before Opie would finally get revenge on Agent Stahl for setting the whole thing in motion, but Goddamn, that moment was sweet.
1. Kyle Gets Fired
Photo Courtesy of FX
When you’ve been booted out of the Sons Of Anarchy, the first thing you have to do is get your gang tat removed or covered up, a detail obviously forgotten by the disgraced Kyle, who is given the option of “fire or knife”. Choosing fire, his back is set ablaze and burned until it’s no longer recognizable as the gang’s logo (or, y’know, a human back).
Sons of Anarchy Season Four is available now on Blu-ray!