South Park Video Games We Want Made Right Now
Stick of Truth is out now…but what’s next?
South Park’s Stick of Truth video game is a huge adventure in role playing that is so full of fan appreciation, you’d have to see every one of the show’s 17 seasons to get all of the jokes. Well, that’s exactly what we did and, after seeing everything, it just made us want more. So here are some of our favorite South Park episodes that are begging to get a video game follow-up.
Originally Aired: Season 11, Episode 10
Episode’s Plot: Kyle bets Cartman that Leprechauns aren’t real. When an actual leprechaun shows up to warn the boys about a terrorist plot on Imaginationland, they spring into action, allying with epic heroes like Strawberry Shortcake and Master Chief to fight against baddies like ManBearPig and the Woodland Critters. Also, there’s a Stargate cameo from Kurt Russell because of course there is.
The Game We Want: Call it Smash Brothers: Battle for Imaginationland and we’ll line up to buy it. Bonus if there’s a “Cartman makes Kyle lick his balls” mini game included but, honestly, we’d pay extra for that if we had to.
“Go God Go”
Originally Aired: Season 10, Episode 12
Episode’s Plot: When Cartman can’t wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, he freezes himself instead of exercising some patience. When he wakes up in the future, otters can talk, God is definitively dead, and atheism is at the heart of the world’s conflicts, rather than religion.
The Game We Want: Command and Conquer: Atheists at War. The fundamental conflict of the episode, where the godless otters of the Allied Atheist Alliance face off against the godless humans of the United Atheist Alliance, has the makings of a Real-Time Strategy game that would finally make us throw away our copy of Command and Conquer: Red Alert.
Originally Aired: Season 3, Episode 11
Episode’s Plot: The Chinpokomon fad has overtaken South Park and the kids’ obsession with it is overwhelming. What they don’t realize is that the entire Chinpokomon craze is really an evil Japanese plot to recruit American children into re-bombing Pearl Harbor as kamikaze pilots. Whenever anyone gets close to figuring it out, the Japanese compliment their enormous American penises, a full-proof strategy.
The Game We Want: Just give us a straight Pokemon rip off but with all of South Park’s oddball Chinpokomon characters and a shitload of dick jokes. Honestly, pretty much anything would make Pokemon better at this point – we’re not sure why Nintendo didn’t approach South Park about making this happen years ago.
“The Passion of the Jew”
Originally Aired: Season 8, Episode 3
Episode’s Plot: After watching The Passion of the Christ, Cartman informs Kyle that the Jews are evil and killed Jesus. While Kyle sorts out his feelings about this revelation, Cartman starts a Mel Gibson Fan Club and starts recruiting members to it. As Kyle comes to terms with his own religion, Cartman creates a fervor in South Park on par with that of Nazi Germany.
The Game We Want: We see this as South Park’s opportunity to do their own WWII game. We did get our fill of Nazi Zombies (and Nazi Zombie Fetuses too, for that matter) from Stick of Truth, but we sure wouldn’t mind Cartman’s Fan Club in a First Person Shooter style. Not including a “twist Mel Gibson’s nipples” mini game in here would be an enormous missed opportunity.
“About Last Night”
Originally Aired: Season 12, Episode 12
Episode’s Plot: The epic South Park episode about the results of the 2008 election was as inspiring as it was insane, as Randy Marsh took center stage to “exercise his freedom” while both Obama and McCain revealed the point of their presidential candidacies was to ensure that one of them would wind up in the White House to pull off a heist.
The Game We Want: The episode showed us the highlights of Randy’s drunken shenanigans because he “thought this was America.” We’d lobby for the team behind South Park to put together a Grand TheftAuto-style game with a drunk Randy Marsh at the helm. It’s a different kind of hope, but we’re holding onto it.
“Starvin Marvin in Space”
Originally Aired: Season 3, Episode 13
Episode’s Plot: When aliens decide to make contact, they end up landing in the Ethiopian desert and are promptly eaten by lions. Sick of the missionaries making their lives miserable, the Ethiopians elect Marvin to board the ship and find a place for them to relocate, free of missionaries and Sally Struthers. The whole thing takes a heavy Star Wars slant after that.
The Game We Want: We could have said that South Park should have done a Knights of the Old Republic remake, but we can’t help but see Starvin Marvin’s adventure as anything but a Space Invaders-style game, pitting our four heroes and Marvin against the evil Jabba the Hutt-looking Sally Struthers in a 2D top-down shooter.
Originally Aired: Season 4, Episode 3
Episode’s Plot: Timmy arrives in South Park and nobody knows what to do with the handicapped kid. The teachers don’t overburden him with schoolwork so he decides to use the extra time on his hands to front for a metal band.
The Game We Want: Timmy joined the metal band and got famous while also pissing off Phil Collins. If we had our way, we’d parlay Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld into an entire Rockband–style game, complete with a microphone attached to a wheelchair…for authenticity.
“Good Times with Weapons”
Originally Aired: Season 8, Episode 1
Episode’s Plot: When the boys scam a handful of ninja weapons for themselves and exclude Butters because he doesn’t have one, the entire episode turns into an anime-style fight between the boys’ ninja personas and Butters’ Professor Chaos alter-ego.
The Game We Want:Street Fighter has been remade over and over again, with Marvel Characters, Capcom characters, and beyond. We think it’s only fair that the boys from South Park get a chance to duke it out in full anime regalia. SF vs SP could be just what the fighting game genre needs right now.
Originally Aired: Season 13, Episode 2
Episode’s Plot: Cartman decides to become a crime fighter, but runs into problems when he doesn’t gain the notoriety he hoped for in doing so. Meanwhile, a masked hero named Mysterion shows up in town and gets the fame that Cartman wanted for himself. The end result is a town full of kids dressed as super heroes trying to defeat the nefarious Professor Chaos in his latest, dastardly scheme.
The Game We Want:The Coon: South Park Asylum. With the kids taking sides, there’d be no shortage of allies or nemeses for The Coon to fight in an open-world romp full of ziplines and gliding and ass-kicking. The twist? The Coon is actually the big boss behind the town’s recent crime wave. Dun dun dun.