Sports Rant: July 25, 2011

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

Maxim chats with sports blogger Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber about this weekend’s athletic hits and misses.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, left, and National Football League Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith, right, speak to the media outside of the Ritz-Carlton hotel after addressing players during the NFLPA rookie symposium on Wednesday, June 29, 2011 in Sarasota, Fla. (AP Photo/Brian Blanco)

maxim: So, I thought we’d be sitting here today basking in the glory of a ratified NFL labor agreement.


I know it’s imminent, but…what the FUCK.

bigdaddydrew: As labor processes go, we call what happened this weekend “the forceps”


But it’s basically done.


By lunchtime today, WE’RE ALL GONNA GET LAID.


And I think, oddly enough, this will all serve to make the NFL even more dominant.


They’ve built up enormous anticipation, and the coming lunacy of free agency will mean the sport will obliterate everything in its path.

maxim: Oh, totally. People are salivating for this thing to kick off, and then everyone’s heads are going to explode with the lightning round free agency shit.

bigdaddydrew: And the fact that the league did all this without missing any games, and people really did expect them to miss games early, will only get more people to slob its knob.


I mean, you’re already getting tons of praise for Roger Goodell and De Smith.


And they did what they were SUPPOSED to do, which is not fuck up the universe.


When they finally ratify it today, I’m gonna ejaculate a gallon of Miller Lite.

maxim: I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to walk through Midtown Manhattan once the deal is done today and find thousands upon thousands of people taking to the streets and dousing each other with champagne like in a World Series locker room.

bigdaddydrew: Like we killed bin laden TWICE

maxim: Eat it, freedom-haters! YOU CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY OUR FOOTBALL!


Let’s go over some of the key points in this agreement:


Revenue split is now 53-47 owners, versus pretty much 50-50 under the old agreement.


Fail on the player side? Or a good concession in order to get some of the health and safety stuff they wanted–like no 18-game season, no more two-a-days, etc.–and unrestricted free agency?

bigdaddydrew: Well, there still might be an 18 game season in 2013.


I think you could go through and find WINNERS and LOSERS on various points, but now that it’s over, Those kinds of things suddenly become irrelevant.


To me as a fan at least.


I only cared about those issues before because one of them may have been the sticking point that was fucking me out of football.


But now that it’s ending, they could pay the players in wet pretzels and I wouldn’t give a crap.

maxim: Word association:


Roger Goodell

bigdaddydrew: Slapdick

maxim: DeMaurice Smith

bigdaddydrew: Cheeky!

maxim: Reggie Bush




bigdaddydrew: Cut

maxim: Haha


Plaxico Burress

bigdaddydrew: Patriot


The team, not the noun.

maxim: Cam Newton




bigdaddydrew: Phonics

maxim: Do you think the lockout will hasten his implosion?

bigdaddydrew: Well think about it.


Rookies, particularly QBs, need a shitload of coaching to be ready to play and even then most of them still aren’t ready.


Newton, who had his plays NUMBERED at Auburn, will only have five weeks to figure out how his playbook works.


Which means he’ll be useless this year, and once he has that shitty year where people who should be patient with him get impatient with him because that’s just how people are, it’ll be interesting to see if he withstands all that crap.


I’m still of the mind that you never draft a QB based on athletic ability. It’s idiotic.


*Mobility, I should say


Obviously, arm strength and stuff falls under athletic.


maxim: Is anybody going to pick up Tiki Barber, or is he just too much damaged goods at this point?

bigdaddydrew: Someone might take a flyer on him, but I don’t see the point.


Why pick up some huaghty dick to be your #3 RB when you can just go with a hungry and egoless rookie FA?

maxim: Please tell me this rumor that’s sprung up in Philly about the Eagles potentially signing Favre is a joke.

bigdaddydrew: It seems to have been shot down.


But it begs the question as to why Philly would be so happy to trade away an excellent backup in Kevin Kolb.

maxim: He’s gonna go make sweet, sweet love with Larry Fitzgerald and the Eggles is gon’ be sad!

bigdaddydrew: They are!


By the way, with teams scrambling to assemble, it wouldn’t surprise me if someone like Vick had a ludicrous first week stat line.


250 yards rushing, 300 passing, etc.


If a cobbled defense faces an already established attack, things could go south quickly


Which is fun!

maxim: Whee!


Alright, so even though the personnel issues are far from being worked out, it’s time for the first prediction of the season!! Give me your division champs, Super Bowl, and Super Bowl winner.

bigdaddydrew: Division champs?


Oof.

maxim: I know, it’s ambitious, sorry. I’M JUST SO EXCITED.

bigdaddydrew: I’ll give my early Super Bowl pick, which is Tampa.

bigdaddydrew: versus




bigdaddydrew: Pittsburgh


For surprise playoff teams, I like Detroit and Denver.


But I can’t do division picks right now. I gotta wait to see how this shit falls first.


But Bucs-Steelers is what I say right now, with Tampa winning everything.




maxim: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, SPORTS FANS!


If I had a helmet on I’d head-butt the screen right now.

bigdaddydrew: Do it anyway!


COMPANY MONITOR

maxim: Non-company forehead.